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Introduces the idea that emotional success is essential to overall success and explains how emotional intelligence helps you understand what you feel. It also frames emotions as signals with hidden messages, especially in unpleasant experiences like hurt.
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there is no true success without emotional success yet of the more than 3 000 emotions that we have words to describe the average person experiences only about a dozen different ones in the course of an average week wemust remember that this doesn't reflect our emotional capacity but rather the limitations of our present patterns of focus there are three thousand words in the english thesaurus that describe various emotions in that 1051 words describe positive emotions while2086 almost twice as many describe negative emotions well what this means is that we've made so many words to describe an unpleasant emotion and we tend to focus more on what is unpleasant about life than looking at thebright side life is an emotional experience the quality of emotion you experience every day ultimately determines the quality of your life and above all your happiness depends on it one key problem with most people is that they're not
able to understand what they feel or they find it hard to name their emotions this is a place where you need to become emotionally intelligent and become emotionally aware of the feelings you're experiencing emotional intelligence is your abilityto identify what you're feeling why you're feeling it and how your feelings not only affect you but all those around you so when we learn to become more emotionally intelligent we we begin to master self really know thyselfand understand what it is that is keeping you stuck what limits you and what triggers you what gets you angry what gets you sad and hurt what causes you to take things so personally so when you are improvingyour emotional intelligence what that will allow you to do is become less reactive and more interactive with conversations when you're in control of your emotions you're emotionally intelligent when emotions are controlling you you're acting irrational and emotionally enslaved
the only way to effectively use your emotions is to understand how they all serve you you must learn from your emotions and use them to create the results you want emotions are action signals very often their meanings arehidden and we seldom ignore these hidden messages there's so much to learn from an emotion even the unpleasant emotions all emotions are a call for action once you're familiar with the hidden messages and emotions and its action signalsyour unpleasant emotions can become your ally learning to use these signals frees you from the fears and allows you to experience all the richness of which we humans are capable there are hidden messages in every emotion we're awareof the messages behind our pleasant emotions but we're not well aware of the messages behind our unpleasant emotions when we do not understand our emotions they become unpleasant experiences to us all negative emotions contain within them positive messages
or instructions that can help us grow as better human beings we experience emotions for several reasons we experience them because emotions are the language of the subconscious mind we can master our negative unpleasant emotions when we learn howthey serve us rather than enslave us let's look at the emotion hurt for example as we make our journey through life none of us escapes being hurt these painful feelings arise when we experience loss it could be aloss of trust or an expectation that is not being met by us or by others who are dear to us you're likely to feel hurt when you're betrayed badly treated or ignored by people you care about it hurtswhen they're insensitive to your needs therefore we feel disappointed and we communicate the feeling of hurt through various emotions like pain or anger what is the hidden message in hurt benjamin franklin said those things that hurt instruct the
message in hurt is that your expectations have not been met many times this feeling arises when we've expected somebody to keep their word and they didn't in this case you feel a loss of intimacy with this person maybea loss of trust this sense of loss is what creates the feeling of hurt the solution is to realize that in reality you may not have lost anything maybe what you need to lose is the false perception thatthis person is trying to wound you or hurt you maybe they don't realize the impact of their actions on your life in reality most people are ignorant about the impact of their words and deeds in other people's lives
Explores how hurt turns into anger, how frustration reveals unmet goals, and how depression can signal lost purpose or misplaced priorities. The speaker also explains grief as a response to major loss and emphasizes acceptance and meaning.
secondly communicate with the individual who's hurting you and tell them how you feel let them know what's important to you and what your expectations of others are we feel angry when we're hurt what does anger teach us howcan anger serve us rather than aggravate more chaos you feel angry when you take offense at being hurt or experiencing loss angry feelings arise when you feel helpless threatened deprived or unfairly treated anger is a physiological sensation dueto the biochemical reaction in your body adrenaline is created in the body as a protective mechanism that prepares our body to fight against the attack bodily tension and other disturbing emotions often accompany anger you can experience frustration irritabilityannoyance resentment hatred or even rage at various levels you may be choosing to react with anger in a dominating manner rather than feel hurt because you perceive hurt as a sign of vulnerability anger keeps people at a distance
and this enables you to conceal your vulnerability in fact anger is nothing but a shield that covers your underlying fears and hurts inside a short tempered person there is unsettling hurt frustration and a cry for help the hiddenmessage in anger is that an important rule or standard that you hold for your life has been violated by someone else or maybe even by you you feel angry when certain standards aren't met when some of the rulesyou have about life are violated you feel angry and rage most anger isn't happening in the actual context of what's going on it's an old story coming up an old hurt an old wound an old concern am irespected enough am i cared for enough how dare they all these things are the child mind they're the ego mind i just call it the drama mind the thing that wants to make something a bigger problem than it
really is because you have no perspective on life but i bet as you've traveled or you've experienced more in life you've realized a lot of people have it very difficult out in life you've realized there's a lot ofpoverty you've realized there's a lot of struggle you realize there's a lot of hurt and pain and hopefully that gives you some perspective to say geez somebody cutting me off isn't such a big deal anymore because here's thereality especially if you keep getting angry about the same thing over and over and over again you are a victim of the drama mind and that victim is you you have the ability to turn that off and theway you do it is wait you enlarge the gap of time between stimulus and response that's where all self-mastery comes from enlarging the time between stimulus and response so now it's not the drama mind it's not the impulsive
mind it's the intentional mind anger is no way of telling other people that you're right and others are wrong anger is not the display of superiority anger is the loud cry of an unsettling hurt see anger is asecondary emotion the primary emotion is frustration primary emotion is frustration frustration is wanting something and not getting it i want to have a certain thing happen i want to get this thing i want to experience a certain opportunityor thing happen in my life if you want to get past anger you have to stop it at frustration it's okay to own what you want but you got to quit that negative thinking that negative self-talk pattern ofyou're bad i'm going to punish you see the moment you start to make that demand i've got to have my way and then blaming them you're the problem you're what's wrong here when you do that you automatically get
sucked into the drama the message in frustration and disappointment is that your brain believes you could be doing better than you currently are frustration is very different from disappointment which is the feeling that there's something you want inyour life but you'll never get it constant frustration means that the solution to your problem is within range but what you are currently doing isn't working and you need to change your approach in order to achieve your goaltake care of your frustrations in life it's a way life is teaching you that your life is off the track and off the course when you're not using your talents gifts and resources to the full extent you becomefrustrated when you don't get the results you want you get frustrated sometimes you can experience this emotion without any trigger when you focus too much on life's problems you can get frustrated constant irritability as frustration grows and when
you begin to accept helplessness as a result another major emotional state strikes you that's called the big d depression when you suffer pain and loss and do not express and resolve your feelings of helplessness hurt anger and griefyou will eventually experience depression when you're depressed you tend to focus on your losses your inner emptiness unfulfilled dreams and problems you may experience a feeling of helplessness and worthlessness according to martin seligman the father of positive psychologyin his book learned optimism he writes a pessimistic explanatory style is at the core of all depressed thinking a negative concept of the future the self and the world stems from seeing the causes of bad events as permanentpervasive and personal and seeing the causes of good events in the opposite way the state of depression is sending a strong message the hidden message in depression is to find a purpose in life the message is invoking the
depressed to re-evaluate what is absolutely important to them if anyone is paying more attention to minor things in life ignoring the majors then that is the primary reason to make someone feel depressed in the first place depression sendsthe message to prioritize what is important to you instead of feeling burdened and helpless those who lose sight of their priorities in life will always feel burdened and they feel sick most of the time people who are depressedare the most ungrateful people on earth they don't focus on their blessings they look at what's missing and they whine about what's lost and seldom think about what can be gained we tend to experience depression when another emotionis not well handled by us that emotion is grief grief occurs when we experience a major loss grief happens when you feel like there's no empowering meaning for something that has happened or that your life is being negatively
impacted by people events or forces that are outside your control the excruciating pain of losing a loved one can be the most severe suffering we ever endure the answer to grief is acceptance accept the things that can't bechanged and change the things that can't be accepted when you feel that it's appropriate to start letting go of grief start focusing on what you can control and realize that there must be some empowering meaning to it all
Describes fear as preparation for danger and encourages facing it through intelligent action. It then covers loneliness, changing the meaning of experiences, and self-inadequacy as a call to build skills and confidence.
even though you can't comprehend it yet what stops us from expressing the emotion of grieving is the emotion of fear fear is nature's way of protecting you from real and current danger it prepares you to escape from harmfearful emotions include everything from low levels of concern and apprehension to intense worry anxiety fright and even terror the message is fear is simply the anticipation that something that's going to happen soon needs to be prepared for fearis telling you to be prepared to deal with something negative or uncomfortable from happening it's telling you to prepare for your plan b or the worst case scenario don't permit fear to control your life absolutely refuse to someonesaid fear knocked on the door faith opened it and there was no there was no one there you see you eliminate fear through intelligent action face the thing you fear and fear will leave you fear is caused by
the unknown if there's something you're afraid of go study it understand it talk to someone who's a professional in that particular area but for goodness sake don't let it control your life anymore think of the people that areafraid to go into their own business they're afraid to move to the place they'd really like to go they're afraid to ask the girl or the guy for a date what are they doing their life is drying upit's shrinking we're only here for a short time make it a good time get rid of the fear face it a state of emotion that can disconnect us from the rest of the world is the emotion of lonelinesswe all suffer the misery of loneliness at some time in our lives you feel lonely when you experience yourself as separate and disconnected from others when the pain of isolation is overwhelming you feel heartbroken if emotions ask you
to change your perceptions they tell you to change the meaning you associate with things events or people certain things if you continue to view them as painful they'll be painful to you all through your life if you canchange the meaning attached to almost anything then you can change the experience itself one of the dangerous emotions that can take away your drive to live a fuller life is the emotion of self-inadequacy or unworthiness the feeling ofunworthiness occurs anytime we feel we can't do something we should be able to do this emotion of self inadequacy is sending you a strong message pleading you to work on yourself this is a personal development message that ifyou work on certain areas you'll become better at it and you can achieve your desired outcome the message of unworthy feelings is that you don't presently have a level of skill or aptitude necessary for the task at hand
it's telling you that you need more information understanding knowledge strategies tools and confidence it's an invitation to build skills to tackle challenges that are overwhelming one of the fastest ways to build self-confidence is to think through clearly whoyou are and what you want to think about the skills that you will need to build a wonderful life and career and then to work every day on becoming better and better at something that is important to youwhat happens is as as you feel better and better in these skill areas people will compliment you and say you know you're very good at that or you did a good job at that or they'll stand back andbe amazed and as they admire you for your improving skills your self-confidence in your ability to do that thing goes up and up when you stop focusing on your growth and start getting bothered about other people's growth a
person will become envious envy is a self-destructive emotion envy results from feeling deprived not necessarily because you don't have enough but because someone has more being around people who are happy healthy or wealthy when you are in painstricken with a debilitating illness or deprived of an income can easily stir feelings of envy when you feel envious interrogate yourself unlock the boons from this unpleasant emotion ask yourself some self-improvement questions how can i make my lifebetter than what it used to be what are my new goals and what course of action must i take to fulfill my goals what skills must i develop in order to succeed what is it that i can do
Explains healthy guilt, regret, and remorse as signals to correct behavior, then moves into forgiveness as a way to release bitterness. The chapter closes with practical advice on forgiving parents, partners, others, and yourself, and on responding intelligently to emotions.
to contribute to the world the emotion of guilt regret and remorse are among the emotions human beings do most to avoid in life and this is valuable healthy guilt occurs when you hurt or wronged another person or yourselfyou regret your actions and feel undeserving wrong stupid ashamed sorry or disappointed in yourself it occurs when your anger is turned inward when you experience the emotion of guilt it tells you to fix certain things in life thatare fixable and solvable it invokes your commitment to rise above your expectations it tells you never again it tells you no more of this or enough is enough you feel regretful when you didn't take the action you shouldhave or you took the wrong move violating your gut feelings gil tells you that you violated one of your own highest standards and that you must do something immediately to ensure that you're not going to violate that standard
again in the future when guilt is not handled properly it can turn into resentment unforgiveness is a toxic emotion because it does more harm to the person who is not willing to forgive forgiveness can be a very difficultstep but one that may be essential to your getting emotional closure forgiveness is a liberating experience forgiveness sets you free remember to analyze these you haven't forgiven when you still have regrets when you're not on talking terms withsomeone when you still hold grudges towards someone when you still hold someone responsible for all your problems when you still have not accepted the reality when you hold negative energy towards someone or something or when you say ican't forget the things he or she has done to me forgiveness really means letting go well the reality is if you go through life you're going to be hurt the reality is every single one of us as human
beings has our weaknesses and we do the best that we can do based on where we are at in our level of consciousness and in our level of humanity and so if someone has hurt you i mean we'veall been hurt if someone has hurt you please first of all just remember they were doing the best that they knew how to do based on where they are at in their journey through life so forgiving them issomething that not only do they deserve but forgiving them is a gift you give yourself i once heard someone say when you're going through life not having forgiven someone that has really hurt you it's like you're carrying thatperson through life on your back forgiveness is not a feeling that you must passively wait to wash over you it is a deliberate choice to free yourself from the burden of bitterness anger and hatred when you forgive someone
you're literally setting a prisoner free the greatest human goal is peace of mind and the greatest obstacle to peace of mind is anger and blame aimed at other people in order to eliminate anger and blame you have tolearn to forgive and there are four people that you need to forgive if you're really serious about changing your life and learning how to live in the present the first people you have to forgive are your parents livingor dead you must absolutely forgive them for every mistake they ever made in bringing you up at the very least you should be grateful to them for giving you life they got you here if you're happy to bealive you can forgive them for everything else never complain about them again the second persons you must forgive are the people from your marriages or relationships that didn't work out these intimate relationships can be so intense and so
threatening to your feelings of self-esteem and self-worth that you can become angry and unforgiving toward these people for years but remember you were at least partially responsible for the relationships in your life that didn't work out have thepersonal strength and integrity to say those magic words i am responsible and then think of ways that you were responsible for the relationship rather than thinking of reasons why the other person is to blame forgive the other personand let him or her go say these words i forgive him or her for everything and i wish him or her well each time you repeat this the negative emotion attached to the memory will diminish almost like turningdown the heat on a pot it gets cooler and cooler and soon it will be gone forever now the third person you must forgive is everyone else in your life who has ever hurt you in any way let
them go forgive every boss every business partner friend or crook or betrayer who has ever caused you grief of any kind clean the slate and forgive and forget wipe away each of their names and wipe the images offby just saying whenever you think of them i forgive him or her for everything and i wish them well i forgive them for everything and i wish them well the fourth and final person you have to forgive isyourself you must absolutely forgive yourself for every silly senseless wicked brainless thoughtless or cool thing that you've ever done or said stop carrying these past mistakes around with you that was then and this is now think of itthis way when you did those things in the past that you still feel badly about you were not the person that you are today at that time you were a different person you were younger and less experienced you
were not your true self as you are today you are an immature version of the person that you have become with experience so stop beating yourself up for something that occurred in the past something that a different persondid not you and something that you cannot change take control of your emotions name them tame them and use them to direct your life to greater advantage talk back to that emotion when you feel angry ask yourself aquestion what am i angry about when you feel low ask yourself what am i sad about how can i be joyful at this very moment what are these feelings trying to teach me what is the hidden message inthis emotion you are the source of all your feelings and are always responsible for your emotional responses so make your primary focus internal blaming others for your feelings is a waste of your energy remember people and situations can
only trigger what is already inside you when you get angry people are triggering the existing anger inside you when you feel sad people and situations are already triggering the sadness inside you you laugh when your inner joy isturned on next time when you're triggered to experience an unpleasant emotion you can ask what do i need and want above all else here what are my options here what's the best way to deal with these feelings rightnow what's the best way to resolve these recurring feelings when you intelligently respond to your emotions you can find the hidden messages of what that emotion is trying to communicate to you