# 2026 11 06 23 05 18

**Channel:** iambumprs
**Source:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3n3kntHGf5U
**Transcript page:** https://www.withtranscript.ai/video/3n3kntHGf5U

## Chapters

- 0:00 — Opening Content Warning and Purpose
- 1:57 — Early Depression and First Collapse
- 10:23 — Relationship Loss and Suicidal Crisis
- 23:58 — Living With Ongoing Suicidal Thoughts
- 29:48 — Why People Become Suicidal
- 39:20 — How To Ask For Help
- 47:55 — Recovery, Hope, and Encouragement
- 52:08 — Closing Remarks and Farewell

## Transcript

**[0:00]:** All righty, let's get started.

**[0:06]:** Hey, I am bumpers. Uh, what's happening, homeboys? Um, going be talking about something a little bit serious today. It's a video that I've been wanting to make for a couple years now. Um, but, you know, kind of get into it now. It's going to be number three of the 365. I think it's I think it's a good fit. I think it's a good fit. Um, especially with what I'm dealing with now. Um, I think it'll be good. So, um, I have to say beforehand though that this video will be about suicide. Um, and that's what we'll be talking about. And I implore people to listen. I implore people to to to watch, especially if they're feeling that kind of way. But I know that when I feel rough, hearing about rough things can really make me feel bad. So, if you are one of those people that has that kind of issue, I implore you to wait till you get to a better time.

**[0:57]:** maybe, you know, wait till lunchtime tomorrow when it's bright outside and you've talked to a few people and give it a watch then. Um, otherwise that's kind of it. We're going to be talking about some heavy topics and I hope I hope that you guys, you know, hope you like it or I hope rather than I hope you like it, you know, I hope that this helps. I hope this helps because that's kind of the point. Uh, it's kind of the only reason I've ever wanted to make a video like this was because I feel for people who sit in the shoes that I currently sit in and sit in the shoes that I have sat in. And I understand, you know, I understand how hard it is to feel that you're alone, to feel that you can't go in, you know, you can't go to anybody.

**[1:38]:** So, uh, with that being said, we'll go ahead and get started.

**[1:57]:** Okay.

**[2:01]:** So, we're going to start with my history with suicide and then we'll we'll go through everything else. Um, depression for me really started probably a lot earlier than the end of high school. Um, I think back now and I see a lot of similar actions that I would make that made me believe that I wasn't doing the best. Um, but hold on.

**[2:33]:** So, we're going to start with my personal history with suicide. Um, you know, and we'll this the video will be okay. So, the video is going to be set up into three parts. Uh, we're going to have part one which will be my experience with suicide. It'll be my history, you know, the things that I've got to say about it because I I do think that talking about my my stuff could help other people going through similar things. Uh, part two will be explaining to maybe anybody else watching this video why people are suicidal, you know, uh, for people that fortunately haven't had the the the disfortune of feeling this way. And then uh for the third part um you know I have it titled in my notes uh you deserve the chance to find out how much better life can be. I think that's going to be the title of this video.

**[3:20]:** Um maybe I don't know. We'll we'll find out. But it'll be talking about how we the people that sit in my shoes and the you know the people that know what it's like to want to harm yourself um and can can get themselves out of that. So we'll go ahead and get started. So for me, I find that uh my depression probably started a lot I tell people we'll start my history with depression starts I like to say at the end of high school and the start of college, but it probably started a little bit beforehand. I was not a very well-liked I I'm not very good at fitting in with people and I've been very socially uh not skilled as I grew up. Um whether it be early on with videos we talked about earlier like me being a little bit more well well-versed in things like reading and math than the other kids early on leading for me leading me to be

**[4:17]:** a little ostracized to later on in college where I didn't have the ability to speak to people very well and uh I felt ostracized by my peers because they didn't just they just really didn't mess with me that that that much. They just didn't really care. Um I uh it probably did start in that era. Probably in high school is probably if if I had to guess is where that showed up. Um we will start with the end of high school just because I have a more detailed lineage of of that stuff there. Um when I graduated high school, um things from my past, you know, were still there. I still was not a very hard worker, you know, keep the other videos. Uh, so I was already getting down on myself for not doing very well in school. And at the end of the year, my

**[5:15]:** I had two grandparents die. Um, the first deaths of my entire life that I'd had to witness. Um, and it's so hard for me to talk about. I had to take a pause there for a second. But uh my great-grandmother, my pat and my grand just my regular grandmother uh they passed away within a week of one another around Thanksgiving of my first semester of school. I was very close with them and it was very unexpected

**[5:49]:** and that changed a lot going forward. You know, I don't blame them, you know, obviously I don't blame them for dying. That would be crazy. And I don't blame them for everything that is to come next, but it's it's the moment that things started to go downhill for me. It's a catalyst. I had a girlfriend at the time. Uh I broke up with her because I just I didn't know what to do. I I didn't realize that being alone was going to crush me so hard. So, there were some issues with that trying to get her back. It was a whole thing that second semester trying to be I was trying to be okay. I delved my mind into other things, video games and eating. Uh, and I started to gain a lot of weight. I started to not go out with my roommate, uh, my high school best friend.

**[6:40]:** And I I kind of just I kind of just shut down. Um, I shut down hard. And that wasn't good. I fail out of school and I I finally get to go back home where all my family has been grieving together. And I feel like I don't know if I've ever had this conversation with them, but when I got home, I felt like I didn't fit in with them anymore either, which is very odd to say, right? It's very odd to say that you don't fit in with your family when you've never felt that way before. But I felt different. Um, I felt I just felt like I didn't belong. I felt like everybody was was being nice to me just because they thought that they had to. Um, and that's not fun. Uh, I go to a new school after that summer. Um, I moved to a new city and I'm not doing very well either there.

**[7:50]:** Um, I'm very very alone. Um, I had a girlfriend at the time. Uh, but I was still eating up with my ex that, you know, from from the college days or from, you know, from that that that point on that, you know, that didn't really go anywhere. Um, and I had her for a lot. She really was a reason that I was still able to do pretty decently there. I had a cool internship. I was I was doing good stuff, but school-wise, I was just not putting any effort in.

**[8:25]:** I just wasn't doing much. Um, some roommates moved into that apartment and introduced me to marijuana, of which something I do, you know, I still enjoy to this day. I haven't done it in a while, but I do enjoy it. They I don't drink. I don't do any other drug. So yeah, but I did get introduced to the weed and in my sadness I started to do it all the time. Um it's very good for you I feel in in septum, right? That's not a word. I feel like it's very good for you in in moderation, but I was not doing it in moderation. I would wake up, be high, and that would be it. And I would spend all my day in a numbed state almost um watching Naruto with my roommate or or or playing on my computer locked up in my room.

**[9:12]:** I really wasn't doing much. I'm very I wasted about a year of my life doing that. I I don't even really remember it that much. Um I keep pushing in school and I my my mom finds out how bad I'm doing. my parents do and I, you know, I work with them to try to do stuff. I try to do band at the school before my parents find out about everything that's going on. Not to the degree. I think if they ever watch this, they'll finally know for certain. Um, but you know, we worked to try and get me a better a better start. Um, because they I had been lying about my grades and I wasn't I've been lying about my grades and they found out and they gave me one more chance. One more chance. One more. One more. One more chance to get through school.

**[10:23]:** One more chance. Um, and I I was really not doing well. And things really hadn't amounted to a lot at this point because I was still numbing myself with weed. I was I was not happy at where I was. But I had started to have thoughts. They weren't they weren't common. They weren't every day. They weren't even every week, but every so often I would think about, you know, oh man, this sucks. I I don't think I'd be that upset if I was dead that year of 2025, right? No, that year that that early year of 2024, I met a a woman uh who I started to later date and and I really, you know, she really did something to me. She really changed how I looked at my life. Um I was no longer okay with just being that bum. I wanted a better life for myself.

**[11:21]:** So, and that that was a that was a mindset that that really changed very quickly. Um uh because I realized very soon like very quickly into knowing her that you know I I really loved her and I really loved the life that she lived and I realized how much I wanted to live a successful life. So, uh I started to try to work hard and I realized that I started to hit roadblocks very soon. Uh I lost out on that in that that internship ended in the be at the middle of that year around her and I six months and things got really bad cuz things got really bad. I remember

**[12:07]:** I remember things not working out the way that I wanted them to. I I remember really failing to to get up and stuff. Um, depression was really hitting me hard. Um, and it didn't matter. It didn't matter about the medications that I was taking. I I still just felt so worthless. And that led to me just showing up. And I my medicine really didn't help. Um, I started to take it as much as I could. I try to keep myself on schedule and I find nowadays looking back that that medicine was really rushing me. I do not do very well with I guess you call it antiscychotic medication. Um it just wasn't helping. It was just making me feel worse. Um, and I slowly devolved into somebody that either her or I recognized. And I I did some some stuff that I I don't know if I'm very willing to admit on camera, you know, out of pride and embarrassment.

**[13:14]:** I didn't cheat on her or anything. I I really I meant when I say when I really did, I loved her dearly, but I wasn't it wasn't something that I would normally do.

**[13:29]:** And we tried to make things work for a while and things just did not work out. And that crushed me. That crushed me cuz for the first time in a few years, really the first time in my entire life, I saw a future that I thought that I could live and I had just failed immensely to live it.

**[13:56]:** And we have to backtrack a little bit because um as I started to take that medication and we'll probably restart. As I continue to make that medication or take that medication and uh devolve into something I didn't realize, I was really considering suicide heavily uh come December of 2024. Um, I remember one moment sitting in a recliner in my living room of my apartment and and I remember making the conscious decision to not think about it anymore because I was sitting there contemplating how bad it would be or how bad it would hurt if I decided to take my own life. Um, Shannon, her and I try to fix things. Um, and we both are just not working well together. uh things aren't necessarily getting better for me regardless of what I was doing. Uh I'd gotten a new car, I'd gotten a new job, and that stuff fell away, and I was back to being worthless.

**[14:55]:** And she was drifting every she was drifting further every day, and it just wasn't nothing was working out cuz I wasn't getting any better. And you know, um throughout those months, I didn't tell her, but I was really constipating killing myself badly. The last time her and I spoke was going to be it's going to be May 4th, 2026 or 2025. Um, I remember the day because it was the day that I had decided that I was going to go and kill myself.

**[15:35]:** I remember one of the last times we spoke uh was May 4th was the day that we decided that or that that kind of things went down. Uh, we had had been we had been having really big fights up until that point and I don't really remember why I showed it at her showed up at her place or why I was there but we were having a fight there and I let it slip that I don't know why I told her. I I have no idea but I told her that I was planning to kill myself and that's that wasn't a lie. It wasn't a way to keep her. It was I want to say that it was like me asking for somebody to save me in that in that sense, but I I I it wasn't. It wasn't. Um I had been talking to family members for a couple weeks at that point, asking people like, "What would it be like, mom, if you know, you didn't have to raise me?

**[16:24]:** What if what would it have been like if I had never been bored?" or talking to my brother on the phone saying like what how would your you know how would your life have been different if I had never existed?

**[16:40]:** And I I let it slip to her and she was concerned and called the police and I was somehow someway able to weasle my way out. And I went home and a few days later later on the 11th of May I decided that I was going to go drive my car into a median on the interstate and I went to her house. I went to her house to say goodbye. She saw me there and there was a fear in her eyes because of just I had become something else. I was just I was just something else and I I was set and there was something that kept me from that. Um with her I'd become Catholic. I'd seen a a light in her um that had brought me to God. Uh, I've become Catholic and I personally believed that I had been told not to to give it a give it some to not I felt a warmness in me on the drive away from her house that led me

**[17:39]:** back to my home and I went to bed. It doesn't mean I felt better. You know, I still felt pretty rough, but you know, I I decided instead of trying to kill myself that I would start going to the gym and I would do better because I wanted to talk to her again. Um, I felt so truly sorry for what I had done. And I I didn't know why I was the way I was. Things were really, really getting bad.

**[18:11]:** I had really lost myself in the sickness. I hated my body. Um, I had been eating for years as much as I could. It was the only thing that kind of made me feel better for a little while. So, I had gotten pretty large. Um, and my anxiety was miserable. I couldn't even go outside to see people, you know. I didn't I couldn't do it. I couldn't pick up the phone. I I couldn't I couldn't talk to anybody.

**[18:41]:** Um, I was going to tell her at the end of the end of the summer that I that I was sorry, that I that I that I cared about her still and that I was I I don't know. I had some plan, Project Redemption, I think is what I called it, just just to give the name. Um, and I it didn't matter, you know. I had gotten better. I I had lost maybe 40 lbs. I

**[19:08]:** But nothing was getting better, you know. Nothing nothing was really changing.

**[19:22]:** you know, nothing was really changing. It didn't matter that I lost the weight. It didn't matter that I was, you know, pushing forward. Nothing about my mental was changing. And that that was debilitating for me.

**[19:40]:** It was debilitating for me. I um

**[20:05]:** and at the end of that summer on the 26th of June or of July, Uh, a day before I was supposed to go and try and talk to Shannon that I, you know, the day before that I had decided that I want to go talk to her. Um, I was sitting at my desk. I had moved out of my bedroom and I was just at a at this computer in front of like in the living room and I slept on the couch and I I that's all I did was sleep on the couch. The place was disgusting. I I I I was not cleaned. I had not taken a shower and I was sitting in front of every single medication or every single piece of medication that I can find in the apartment. I was looking up ways to, you know, what what what combination could I take this where it would hurt the least.

**[20:52]:** And I was ready. I was so unbelievably ready. And I was scared. You know, I'll be honest. I was scared because I I didn't want I I I wanted anything but this. But I just felt so miserable that I didn't have a choice. I didn't have a choice. That was it. I had written I had had a bunch of videos for people. I

**[21:21]:** I had recorded videos for everybody, her family, her, my family, videos for my cousins to grow up and watch. I I had I had set everything aside because I felt so bad. You know, I was ready. And for whatever reason, I decided to call my priest, Father Nicholas, and he came and he saved me. Brought the police with him. I went to a facility where I got to sit. I went and lived with my mom and dad for a little while.

**[21:54]:** you know, you know, things were

**[22:03]:** you know, and I try to get better and a lot of other things happened in there, things that I'm not going to talk about here, um, that are very unrelated. But I, uh, I was a busy man during this time and I got a lot better. You know, I wasn't suicidal anymore. I wasn't thinking about killing myself, but I was I was doing a lot better. Um, and eventually I get moved into a new place. I write a letter to her and we date again. Things are are really good. But that's the, you know, that's the trick with this kind of stuff, right? That's the trick. That's how that's how it gets you is that I wasn't ready. I didn't I wasn't better. Things were not they needed to be. I was I was still broken that even because even even though I had an apartment and I had some weight off me, I uh you know things were not fixed and when things started to fall apart, I fell

**[23:08]:** apart. I hid that from her because I was afraid that telling her would make her leave. And it did once everything came out and there was nothing I could do. It was nothing I could do.

**[23:31]:** And that crushed me even more because it I had been it felt like I had been given another chance at the life that I wanted. And once again, I was too worthless to keep it.

**[23:58]:** I

**[24:13]:** I had worked so hard I felt to keep things together. And even though I put in as much effort as I could, as much effort as I could, I I still lost everything. And I wanted to be different. You know, this this want to change had been existing for a long time. And it was one more final nail. It was, you know, it was one more nail that I wasn't good enough. Not for her, not for me, not for anybody in my life. I was completely alone. I didn't have friends. I didn't feel like I had a family. I still sometimes don't. I feel like I just am a burden on them.

**[25:01]:** The sickness that I sat in was still there. It just not been so bad for a minute.

**[25:09]:** And I considered once again what it would be like if I had just died. Um, and that leads us to today. It's been months since that happened. Uh, we broke up in May. Um, and that's the last big catalyst of everything that's happened. uh some money issues, uh living, moving to a new place and not having anybody here. Friends that I thought I had that are gone. Felt like I just had to be funny. If I was ever real with them, they would go.

**[25:45]:** You know, that leads me to the day where now I think about deadlines. And before I started making these YouTube videos, uh the thoughts that I had were or deadlines. If you don't get anything to change by the 30th of October or 30th of November, the 30th October, we'll kill ourselves. And I had, you know, if I don't get out of this stupid state and go see people that I want to see, I'm going to kill myself. If I don't do this or if I don't do that, I'm going to kill myself. And I think that still today I I try to push those thoughts out. I try not to deal with them. Um but that's the current that's the modern day that I still deal with that now.

**[26:39]:** I don't want to go but I feel like I have no choice. And the feeling of being tired is insanely hard to sit with, especially with all the regrets I have about losing a life that I wanted to live. and not feeling like I'm able to live any life that I will ever want to live.

**[27:10]:** And I'd like to preface real quick that I don't blame my ex. I don't blame my family. I don't blame those people that didn't want to be my friends. I

**[27:23]:** I can't only blame me. And that's a hard thing for somebody in my shoes to hear because you don't want it to be your fault. You know, it being your fault makes it harder to sit with. But a lot of this stuff, you know, you have to take the accountability is that even though that you're broken like this, even though that you're sick,

**[27:49]:** it was you, you know, it was you.

**[27:57]:** It It was you.

**[28:04]:** And you know, I that's that's actually why I made I started posting these videos at all. I actually wanted my first video to be this, but I didn't really think that it was the time. I didn't really know what to say. Um, but that's what this that's what this channel is going to is is is for me. It's me being able to talk and me being able to to be different. You know, I want proof that I can do something and that the, you know, these videos show me that I'm still creative, I'm still cool, I'm still funny, and that I can do whatever I want. Even though I feel so bad, these videos and making these videos give me just a little symbol, like just a little bit of relief from everything, right?

**[28:56]:** And that's, you know, that's my history with suicide, you know. Um, I've I've had pretty close calls. I've been on the edge many times. My family knows that I've been that way. Um, I've scared people that are close to me. And today, I still deal with those all the time. And it's hard. It's hard. Life isn't really where I'm wanting it to be. And it's hard. It's hard. You know, it's hard to get yourself moving. It's hard to It's hard to be the person you want to be when it feels so impossible to change. My That's yesterday's video

**[29:44]:** and the day before. That's yesterday's video and the day before.

**[29:48]:** We'll go ahead and rotate into part two now, which is, you know, why are people suicidal? Um because my story is my story, right? There's unfortunately there are hundreds to thousands of suicides every day and everybody's case is a little different and I'll never be able to speak for everybody. Everybody's got their own thing. But a lot of the aspects that I deal with I have seen that other people deal with. But let's ask ourselves the question, you know, why are people suicidal? Um, disappointment is a big one, right? Experiencing repeated disappointment and proof that you aren't changing can make changing harder. And coming from the step of of being sad and wanting to be better, um, and wanting to to do different, constant failure can really can really make that uh My first video talks about how change is is difficult. Um and then and how that mindset eventually that you eventually build with that kind of thought will kill the progress that you want to make.

**[31:03]:** Paired with depression um changing is is very difficult. compared with depression. Uh you know with depression your your view of yourself is drastically was uh is drastically lower than than what it actually is. Um not just your body image but your future, your current circumstance, your everything. You become convinced in these you know in these stages that that that suffering is permanent. You know how you aren't capable of feeling better. And you know that's

**[31:49]:** but just because the road forward is covered in fog doesn't mean that it's not there, right? You know, it's it's still there. you know, suicide starts to feel suicide starts to, you know, to feel like it's the only option you've got. I spoke about that uh in my in my history and I think a lot of people will understand what I'm saying there. Uh being overwhelmed by constant, you know, hurt, it clouds your ability to think of ways to get out of that. Um that narrowing of thoughts is called cognitive constriction. Um extreme distress narrows uh you know somebody's view of of choice. Um you know the brain wants immediate relief and that can a lot of times become death as the brain wants immediate relief and a lot of times the quickest way to relief is death. Um, I know that I have thought about things like immediate release, like, oh god, it would feel so nice to just be gone.

**[32:59]:** Um, and there's a lot of things that you can do to to get rid of that pain as well. Vices, there's a lot of vices that a lot of people go into as well that definitely don't help. Uh, weed at that heavy of use was not was not helping. reading a smaller yeast really helps me de-stress and be you know deregulate regulate the word it really helps me de-stress and and and you know pull my anxiety a bit but overdoing it really just makes me more anxiety feels and more depressed. A lot of people do things like mushrooms for a euphoria feel. Uh it's everything melts off and they feel happy. Drinking is another one that people do, right? You feel numb to all emotion that, you know, that's a road that can really lead you down something really scary where it's almost like worse than death.

**[33:54]:** You you don't die, but you become you become somebody that nobody will ever recognize again.

**[34:05]:** And you don't even know you're doing it in these moments. Like I didn't know that by smoking all the time that I was trying to feel better, but I know now in hindsight that it definitely was. You know, exhaustion to fa exhaustion and failing to feel better also takes a toll, right? Um, you know, it's it kind of just goes back to that same repeat is that the more you try, the more things aren't working out. The more that you can really just, you know, that exhaustion covers you. Comparison, you know, sucks. You know, while you're not work, while you're not getting better, you're watching other people have a life that you love. um you know, they're happy, they're they're successful, they're doing better in life, and you're still stuck, you know, trying sometimes. You're or you're still stuck. You're still stuck not not being the the person that you want to be and it feels impossible to catch up to them.

**[35:11]:** And that disappointment, you know, it affects your willingness to try again. You know, for me, I've tried so many times and I've failed. I have failed um for many reasons. You know, I'm not doing the right things or I'm not I don't have the right resources or

**[35:32]:** but um that disappointment, it's just another layer of proof.

**[35:41]:** Um, and it it really snowballs from there, right? Not showering, you know, not cleaning your room, not going to work or, you know, things like that, not getting out of bed. It's just one more tally on the marker that you will never be somebody and that's, you know, it's hard. Uh, people say just try harder. People say to just get up, but think, you know, it's you're missing the point. You know, we have tried harder. We just failed. Again, a good distinction to have, I think, there is that struggling to function is not the same as being unwilling to change. You know,

**[36:28]:** we'll go back to the comparison thing real quick. Watching other people succeed and be happy does make everything worse. Uh you really start to believe that you aren't like everyone else. uh you're behind on relationships, you're behind on personal development, careers, uh and you start to treat your current place or your current situation as evidence of your own worth. You start you begin to treat your current place as evidence of your own worth. Uh and that can lead to some really bad behaviors, isolation, um anger and jealousy. uh things that you you know they're not great h you know great things to have but you do them anyway. Um I'll be honest I recently got very angry at my previous the ex that I've talked about for trying to move on. Um I said so many things that I I regret things that I never threats that I was never going to do and I just I was just very mean to her.

**[37:38]:** And I regret that because I know deep down that I I truly, you know, I still I care about her very deeply. And you know, that's not me. But I I it felt like my hurt had to go somewhere. And I blamed her for not being able to be around my depressed and unmoving state. I now sit with that regret too. You know, it's a massive it's a massive snowball effect. You know, a lot of I I've I've actually done some research and a lot of people develop similar behaviors um and then are are hurt by those people leaving. It's not fun. It's not fun to look at yourself and not, you know, and not like who you see. And depression really can pull the worst parts of you out. Parts of you that may not even be the worst parts of you, just worst parts of being a person just for just for the relief.

**[38:40]:** And it's always chasing the relief. All that being said, and I've said a lot because there's many reasons to be, you know, suicidal. You know, it kind of all stacks into one another. That might have been a jumbled mess, but I hope I hope it made a little bit of sense. Hopelessness though, I will I have to say before we go into part three isn't a sign of being horrible, right? It's it's not a sign of having no future or or what your life will look like in a year. You know, you don't have to solve everything immediately. You know, just because you feel no hope doesn't mean that that hope isn't real. You know, just because the road is covered in fog doesn't mean it's not there.

**[39:20]:** And we'll get into part three now, which is I think my favorite part of this uh which is how to have a better life, you know. How do you get out of that rut? How do you how do you wake up in the morning giddy as sunshine, you know, and I've got a couple of a couple of things to I've got a my notes here is is very full. I' I'd like to talk about this a good bit. I've got a lot of interesting things to say here. I'm going to try and argue your logos, right? I'm going to try and argue your your logic, which is the best way that I know how to talk about anything. Solomon's paradox, um, named after the biblical King Solomon, um, you know, is is a paradox that that states this, uh, that we have a tendency to give better, wiser advice to other people than we give ourselves.

**[40:17]:** Right. So, my my friend is having is, you know, is hungry. He's got to pay rent tomorrow or he can spend $10 of that rent money, be $10 late, and buy some food today. I would tell him, "Save it till tomorrow so you can pay your rent. Your rent is got to pay your rent." In my own shoes, though, I may struggle to make that same decision because I'm the one currently experiencing that issue. I bring up Solomon's paradox. Um because I want to I want to go and flip the table, right? The biggest thing that somebody can do in this scenario. The biggest thing that somebody can do in this scenario is to ask for help. Letting somebody that you know and that you trust to help you know what you're going through is the first and only way to get out of this because you cannot do it alone.

**[41:07]:** You can't. And that's okay. You can't do it alone. But would you let's go ahead and like like I said, let's flip the table here.

**[41:22]:** Let's flip the table here.

**[41:27]:** Let's let's flip the table here. Let's say that you know your friend comes up to you, a friend that you're very close to. You can forgive anybody and they tell you that they have been considering killing themselves. Do you look down on them? Do you do you feel embarrassed to know them? Do you I mean what do you do? Because I know what I do. I would immediately console. I would immediately be there. I would immediately do what I could to help them get out of that state. I need you to know that people would do that for you. There's no reason. I mean it would be logic. It's so logically inconsistent to think that you know the people that you surround yourself are so miserable and so evil that they wouldn't care, right? And some people may be able to help more out than others.

**[42:09]:** you know, maybe you don't have a great relationship with your mother and your best friend could be a better a better a better person to help you with that or vice versa. I mean, go to somebody. Just go to somebody, right? They will care. And for the people and the people that that that'll say they have no one, I'm going to say you, right? I'm going to say you. And I say that with love because I'm going to say this. Do you really think that out of billions of people on the planet I'm talking there's a lot of people on the planet right you're the one person you're one of the you know you're one of the people that doesn't have anybody to go to you know there were people that wept for Jeffrey Epstein and you think that you're you know you think that you've got less people on your side Jeffrey Epstein I don't even it's logically

**[42:59]:** inconsistent the it's it's so impossible that you're the pawn that no one would miss. You're the one that nobody would help. It's I heard a quote once um I can't tell you where it came from. I tried to find it, but it said that it is less likely that nobody will miss you when you're gone

**[43:26]:** than for uh than for the sun to explode right now. I don't know if that's true, but hey, that's a it is. It It's probably pretty damn close, you know?

**[43:42]:** It's just not likely. No matter how bad things are, no matter how much you've ostracized yourself, you could go to somebody. And it could be embarrassing. It could hurt your pride. It could be a a lot of things, but people are going to care. People are going to care. I care. You know, that's why I'm here making a video for other people. It's because I care. I care about somebody. I care about you, young man and young or young lady or old man and old lady. I don't know, hunk. I care about you. Person that I've never met because I I feel I understand what you're going through. All right. So, there you go. That's one person. That's one person that will be upset if you go. Yeah. Go find somebody to talk to because I guarantee there's at least one more. I guarantee it.

**[44:31]:** less likely than the sun to explode right now. Depression can convince you of some pretty crazy things. Don't make it look make you don't let it make you look even stupider, right? I don't know you and I know that I would miss you. Uh I miss the people that die every day. I hate it. I hate knowing that there are people out there. I hate knowing that there are people out there that deal with this so often and and make the choice, the final choice to stop living their life and they're gone. Try to find some support, you know, try therapy, try going on walks, try making a YouTube video and talking about stuff like I do. Do anything that gets you out of your head and break the cycle. You know, breaking the cycle is a big one. Maybe listen to some less sad sad music.

**[45:17]:** Maybe look in the mirror and tell you that you're one sexy You know, say some stuff, right? Maybe listen to some less sad music. Uh take a look in the mirror in the mornings and say that you're a sexy brother. You know, say some stuff, right? Take some small steps. It doesn't have to be instant. It never will be. And that's okay. And you've got to learn to live with the uncertainty that comes with that lack of instantity, insanity, instant insty. You got to learn to live with the uncertainty of knowing your future. You know, you don't know what every you don't know that everything will improve, but the likelihood is is that it will if you want it to. Just got to make those small first those first small steps. You know, rebuild your relationships. You know, I I found that a lot reading on reading online that a lot of people, you know, that their family just doesn't get it or that they can't be around their family.

**[46:21]:** Don't be stupid. You know, would you say that to your brother or sister? Would you say that to your mom or your dad? You know, don't be an idiot. Go talk to them. I'm not going to do that quite yet. You know, I'm working on it. I'm working on it. Maybe I'll let them know that they can watch this video, but I, you know, I understand the logical inaccuracy. You know, think this stuff through. Think about it logically. You can really break that that way.

**[46:49]:** Look, rebuild those relationships. Do it with your family. Maybe your ex is gone. Maybe there are some friends that are gone. Uh but you can try. You can. I wouldn't specifically on the ex. I wouldn't do that until you're in a much better spot. But, you know, don't hold on to it. Don't hold on to that. It can make it worse. Take accountability for the bad. Show that you're trying to get better and express that you care about these people. I'm sure deep down that they care about you, too. I'm sure deep down there's a lot of people that miss me that I don't talk to. Even if I did hurt them, I'm sure that there are people that think about me. Father Nicholas is one of them. Somebody that I haven't spoken to in a while. Um, I'm sure that I'm sure that he misses me.

**[47:35]:** Um, I'm sure that even though I I well, I like to think that even though I was so mean to my ex, that there's still a part of her heart that understands that I I did care, that I did try, you know, that I wasn't just there to be mean to her.

**[47:55]:** Recovery though is probably not possible without help. I'm going to say that clearly. Um, especially for people that are really deep down into it. I know that there are people that feel this stuff worse than me, that are more paralyzed than I. You know, that first step will always be telling somebody that you trust to help you. Don't if you can't do it, don't try and go to the gym. If you can't do it, don't try to go to work. If you can't do it, don't try to clean your room. I know it's crazy to tell you not to go to work, but hey, look, if I'm not telling you to do the big stuff, I'm telling you to do one thing. The smallest thing that you can do is just ask for help. It's one of the hardest things to do, but you really think about it, all you got to do is call somebody.

**[48:45]:** All you got to do is shoot somebody a text. And on that last one, I I'm I'm actually begging. I'm actually begging. I know that there are people out there that that really that really can't do it. And right now I feel pretty well. I've been making these videos and they've really been helping me sit here with with this feeling and do better. And while I you know this is my way of of telling people this is my way of of letting people know. I'm begging you to ask for help. I I I know how great people are generally. I know there's a lot of bad people out there, but I know how great most people are and I know how much potential that all of we have because logically we've got some of us have got to have it, you know? I mean, we've got it.

**[49:32]:** We've got to, right? I don't want anyone to fall victim to their own sorrows. I don't want anyone to go. You know, I find I find that I care about this. I find that I care about this a lot. Um because I know how scary and how hard it is and I empathize with anybody that may be feeling that same way. You know, I love everybody. I like everybody. I love you all. I don't want you to go either, you know.

**[50:20]:** It's hard to talk about this and this is going to be a hard one to post because I've I've really I've really out outed myself here. I've really I've really talked about stuff that I really haven't talked about with a lot of people. Not many. Um especially in the modern day, I haven't talked about it with anybody at all.

**[50:42]:** But I know I know that the fog won't last forever. It can't. I have to remind myself of that all the time. But I do know it to be true. We can get better. I'm begging you, please do not go. And I believe in all of you. I believe in all of us.

**[51:11]:** I have been speaking for 51 minutes. I am tired of talking. Um, I've got nothing else to say. I hope you know though that I that I get it and I hope that this video helped you just a little bit. Maybe maybe it got you to get off the couch for just a second. Maybe maybe it got you to text somebody. Maybe maybe you're going to change maybe you're going to change the things that you do tomorrow.

**[51:44]:** I really hope so.

**[51:51]:** I really, really hope so. Because, you know, like I said, we've all got the potential to do great things. And I believe that all of us can change.

**[52:08]:** All righty. I guess that's all I got to say. This is 52 minutes of recording and it's going to be a to edit down. Might leave it for tomorrow.

**[52:24]:** Very excited to see all of you later. I better you know for anybody that may be watching.

**[52:39]:** Have a good night.