Transcript
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The conversation opens with the claim that many women are single because objective truth has broken down in society. The speaker argues that dating suffers when people prioritize personal feelings over shared moral reality.
Nick, why are so many women single?
Well, listen, I can only date one woman at a time, and there's only so much of me to go around.
Oh, yeah.But you're also really tall, so that's saying a lot
that I am.Yeah.Yeah.
How tall are you?
Um, well, 6'2, but with cowboy boots, like 6'4.
Okay.
But, you know, if you ask my friends, they'll say like 67 if we haven't met, but yeah.Yeah.So, why are so many women single, though?
I would say, Lily Kate, there's two sides to the answer to that question.I think there's a man's side, and we'll get there, I'm sure, in a minute, but there's a woman's side.So let me just speak some truth in love for a moment is I think the fundamental reason there are so many women who are single is because there's been a breakdown of objective truth and that's for society asa whole but I think it's especially prevalent
in young women that if you're going on a date with somebody and they have their truth and you have your truth there is no way to get on the same page as them.Mhm.
And that is probably the biggest attack after young women right now
is the lie that there is no truth.I think there's other supporting things that have come out of that foundation like lies about career, lies about fulfillment, lies about happiness.
But I I think the biggest problem is that
women have been lied to and men have failed to protect them and that is our fault.But I also think that women have embraced some of these lies.connect the dots for me on why why the loss of objective truth actually does affect dating though.
Yeah.So I think the fundamental point of connection in any relationship whether it be friendship, family even, but also romantic relationships like dating is that you need something that you have in common, right?You need a lot of things honestly that you have in common.And the place to start there is some of the biggest questions in life.Where do we come from?Where are we going?Is there a God?What is morality?What is truth?What is right?What is wrong?And I think the most destructive phrase in our society today is that, oh, girl, girl boss, girl boss, just live your truth, right?That is a nuke to the morality of society.
And you know, girls in the group chat are telling each other that all the time.Live your truth.What's funny is that your truth is typically just the emotional state or the mood that you're in at the moment.I just read a book in my book club called
The Wise Woman by George McDonald and at the conclusion of it, it had this section where it was um the wise woman who's this kind of like saint-like character and she's teaching everybody the lessons and she kind ofreprimands some of the people and she's like um actually the way that you operate in this world is completely mitigated by your mood.I don't remember the exact quote, but your emotions basically dictate how you feel that day.And past resentments, envys, um, grief, trauma, everything that you haven't forgiven people for, you think is fine because your mood today just happens to be good.And so so much of the way that women without large capital T truth operate is on their mood, which is why they can be so up and down.
Yeah.And I think like the fundamental thing we as men have failed to do well is steward and shepherd women's feelings because I think you know God created us to be compliments to one another and I think part ofthat complimentarianism is okay you're feeling this way men and women we feel emotional in very different ways
and that's okay because that's a beautiful and wonderful thing in and of itself.I think where we've gone wrong is we have failed to really shepherd those feelings well but also to say hey you and I can both feel emotional in our different ways but that doesn't dictate truth right in somany ways like feelings sometimes can be reality but feelings also don't change reality
feelings don't change the truth yeah and that's a really frustrating way to live if you are constantly trying to throw your emotions at the truth to change it you're going to like be white knuckling for the rest ofyour life.Cuz I always bet on reality.I want to always bet on truth.
The discussion turns to why men have failed to challenge cultural lies and lead well. The speaker says passivity and emasculation keep men from stepping up, and advises women to look for a man with a warrior spirit.
You said that men have not protected women from emotions.
I would say I would say men haven't protected women from lies.Yeah.
Go into that more.
Well, I think I think there's lies.I think women have been attacked.Men and women have both been attacked really significantly in modern society in different ways,
right?And I think I think women have been attacked through lies.Right?And so lies about again, hey, live your truth, right?Like whatever your truth is, but there's also a bunch of different flavors of that,
right?That uh you know, I'm sure if you opened up a women's group chat would probably be in there, right?Um not yours because you know, you're Trad and your wonderful Lily Kate, but you know, your average, you know, kind of run-of-the-mill metropolitan woman, I'm sure.Um and so I I think fundamentally as like men, we haven't stepped up and said, "Hey, guys, wait.We got to shine a flashlight on this ghost.This is a lie.let's talk about why it's a lie and let's go the other way together.And so I think we haven't we've broken down all three of those steps into an action.
Why haven't men done that would you say?Passivity, fear of rejection from those same women,
not wanting to sit in that uncomfortable moment of accountability.
All the above.There is a plight of emasculinity in men right now.
Effeminatitness.
Effeminess.Absolutely.Right.And passivity.So passivity is the symptom but emasculation is the disease right and so it's like you know you hear a lot of guys say well I want to be a leader and that's an absolute wonderful thing to desire rightthat's a very godly desire but it's like if you want to be the leader
be the leader step up and do it you know talk and embrace the hard conversations and I think a huge part of my advice for young women today um to summarize sort of all of my beliefs into oneand all of my best advice, which isn't much, but anyway.Look for a man who has a warrior spirit.
How old are you?
I am 28, about to be 29 next week.
Where do you live?
I live in Fort Worth, Texas, cow town.
What do you do?
I work for a defense company and I'm in government sales.
Are you conservative?
I am absolutely conservative.
Are you a Christian?
I am absolutely Christian.
Are you single?
I am absolutely single.
Nick shares his testimony, describing his shift from cultural Christianity and atheism to active faith. He explains how he met a pastor at the gym and why that setting became a place for spiritual growth and evangelism.
Could you share your testimony briefly?
Yeah, absolutely.So, I'm about to be 29 next week.Um, I've been a believer for about nine years now.So, I was raised in a suburb of Houston.Uh, I would say I was kind of raised around the church, but not in the church.
Culturally Christian.
Culturally Christian.Absolutely.I had some kind of tougher things happen to me in middle school and high school.And so, really got extremely cynical about religion
and just thought, oh, like the people around here, they're Christian only because you're born here.really bought into like, oh, if you were born in India, you'd be Hindu.If you were born in the Middle East, you'd be Muslim.Um, there is no point to religion.It's all a bunch of lies.And so was a adamant atheist for a while in my life to the point where I truly did not think there was a God.
Wow.
I went to the Baptist college where I ended up going to college a few years later and I said, I'm never going to go here with all these crazy Christians.And along that way, just kept thinking, "Okay, I'm gonna do all these great things with my life.I can accomplish all of this, but then what?What's waiting at the end?"And that whole time, my mom, who is a believer, God bless her, was praying for me.And she prayed and she said, "God, send someone in in Nick's life who can witness to him."And that's where I met my now father in the Lord, one of my best friends.His name is Dave.He's a pastor at my local church.And he would go on to baptize me a few years later.
How exactly did you meet him?
So, we met at the gym together.Uh we both go to the gym, you know, four to five times a week.And I've found actually I think the gym is the perfect place to evangelize because you think about it, right?So you think about it, you're there habitually for the most part.
Yeah.
So you're seeing the same people over and over and over again.And that gives you a lot of time on the play clock,
right?Because you get to know people, there's no rush.Um you see them habitually.You see them typically for a long time because if you're living in the same area, you're going to the same gym over and over and over again.Um, and it really is a good time, especially I think for men because that's a lot of uh peace for a man that they find in the gym, myself included, by the way.
And it's also where we tend to to do work on ourselves.And so I think in the process of working on yourself physically, a lot of guys also start to think about how do I work on myself spiritually.
That's always in the back of your mind probably when you're working out.
Sure.
Is you're in your self-improvement hour.
Absolutely.
Really interesting.So you've been a Christian for how long?uh about nine years now.Yeah.Read the Bible cover to cover.Uh I've been to Israel twice.On my most recent trip to Israel, I got to spend the night praying in the Church of the Holy Supplr, which is the site of Calvary in the empty tomb.
So,
that must have been incredible.
Been all in.Yeah.
The conversation explores misconceptions women have about men, the cost and effort behind dating, and how respect should work in early relationships. It emphasizes that men must earn trust and leadership before expecting submission.
What is the biggest misunderstanding that women have about men?One in three men aren't even interested in dating.49% of adults say they don't want romantic relationships.And only onethird of Americans between the ages 18 to 39 are even married.So clearly something has gone terribly wrong.We've been told for decades that feminism would improve relationships between men and women.But if that's true, why are we lonelier, more divided, and less likely to marry than ever before.We can't do it.50 Reasons Feminism Failed examines the hidden history of feminism, its contradictions, its anti-Christian influences, and the ways its ideas have shaped modern dating, marriage, family life, and culture.It makes a case that feminism has failed to deliver on many of its promises, leaving both men and women worse off in the most important areas.We can't do it.50 Reasons feminism failed.Pre-order the book now.
I would say the biggest misunderstanding women have about men, which is another lie, by the way, that women have bought into, is that we're losers and we don't work hard.
Your average man today has to work so much harder than we would have probably 20 years ago.
Yeah.
Now, I wasn't in the workforce.I wasn't a single man living in a new city back then, so I can't really speak to that.But it does feel like everything is a lot harder than it used to be.It feels like paying rent is harder than it used to be.It feels like finding a job, a job is harder than it used to be.Feels like finding a wife is harder than it used to be.And I think that comes out in the intergenerational conversations between like us and our parents and even our grandparents.But I think that women have bought into this lie that men are losers.You know, we're fat.We like to sit on the couch and, you know, drink beer and watch football and we don't do a lot.Women only see the tip of the iceberg of what an average man does.
They only see part of the grind, right?And I think that they miss all of the effort underneath that.All of the mornings where you're waking up and you're like, "Man, I'm tired, but guess what?I've got to go to work today because I've got to provide."
You know who does get to see that though?Wives.When you're dating, you don't see that because chances are you're not with that person every single day.
Yeah.
You're not living with them or you shouldn't be.
Yeah.But wives get to see that, which can spark a heart of gratitude in a wife that maybe a girlfriend doesn't have.
Yeah.
Or can't conceive of quite yet.
Well, I I think that's a great point, too, Lady Kate, because like here's a great example, right?Let's say you go on a date with somebody.Let's just say it's your average date costs 120 bucks and you get paid 40 bucks an hour.Pretty good job, right?That means that date didn't just cost us the time together.It cost us three hours on the back end.It cost me three hours on the back end of work that you didn't see.
So, should we think about dates in terms of cost per hour or is that a metric to make it more special when actually you do get to go do those nice dates?
You know, in college I double majored in econ and finance, right?So, I'm
Give me the numbers.
I'm reluctant to use the term cost.
I would say I think it's really best to think about it in terms of effort.
Okay.versus output, right?Versus, okay, so if we go on a date again, it cost us 120 bucks.
So that's three hours of my time I had to spend to pay for that date.
Yeah.
What is it like when we're together?
Is it worth that?
Yeah.Yeah.Cuz it's like I'll tell you what, like I I think I'm going to speak for 99 out of 100 guys when I say this.If we go on a date and we go to dinner and someone's on their phone,
done.And you're doing all of the heavy lifting for the conversation.Your back is breaking trying to make her seem interesting.
Yeah.Yeah.Cuz why would I spend three hours working hard
and then three hours with her?
Yeah.
Which is a six-hour investment.
Exactly.Yeah.Exactly.A six-hour investment, right?To have you scroll through Tik Toks,
right?And it's like it's like one thing if you're like, "Hey, my mom just texted me whatever.Like, great aunt Sally's in town.I like that's understandable, but like what do you do?"I work.No thank you.
No social good.
And that's the attitude every man should have and expect on a on a first date.
Well, he should expect the bare minimum of social respect because there's a big conversation in society about wives respecting husbands, of course, because that's I mean, it's biblical, right?It's in the church.It's in culture.Feminists hate it.But there's also a portion of the red pill bros that I find are getting into the area of girlfriends also have to respect me as a husband.Right?
But the Bible calls a wife to respect her husband, not a girlfriend to respect her boyfriend.However, a girl needs to show that she is a respectful person so that she'll be a good candidate for him to actually marry.So, how can a woman show that she is respectful without doing the wife duties in a dating relationship?
Yeah, I think the short answer to that is by showing respect for other people that are already in your life that you already trust.I think the longer answer there is that first off, let me just affirm that you're 100% spot on there, Lily Kate.Right?Cuz I think I think a lot of guys will come here on a first date and they'll say, "You should respect me
and submit to me."
Yep.And that is totally wrong on the first date.That's totally wrong, I think, in dating as well because if you're the woman, honestly, you shouldn't trust me on the first date.You shouldn't trust anybody on the first date, right?And you especially should not submit to their leadership spiritually, emotionally, whatever.Um, without that being earned, right?So, like we talk about women need to respect men.Absolutely.The other side of that coin is that men need to earn their respect
and earn their trust.And to really truly, I think, draw out that that
in the best sense possible, the feminine energy of a woman, you have to be a masculine man and you have to step up and you have to lead
and you have to do the uncomfortable things.Yes.You know,
the biggest thing that kills a woman's femininity is her instinctually not trusting a man.
Yes.trusting his integrity, his word, but also just trusting him to make good decisions.I've been in a relationship and I genuinely felt like I could not trust him to make a good decision even if it slapped him upside the head.
He would still make the bad one.
Yeah.
And I lost all attraction and all of my feminine energy was gone.
Yeah.
And then everything exploded.
Yeah.And probably the reason for that, Lily Kate, is because you were having to step up and be the man in that way of, okay, homeboy could not make a good decision.Now I, meaning you, have got to step up and I've got to be the man in this way and I've got to lead out.
You know, too much.Can you build your dream marriage in three words?
Absolutely.So, it's going to be the three C's.First off, it's going to be committed.
The speaker outlines his three C's for a dream marriage: committed, consistent, and Christ-centered. The discussion also critiques unhelpful advice to singles and reframes marriage as sacrifice and sanctification rather than personal happiness.
My shtick with American Christianity, because you know, everyone's got their shtick about the church.You know, people are like, I don't like the music.Coffee wasn't good.Whatever.Right.Mine is that we do not emphasize marriage enough.
We emphasize weddings.Absolutely.Right.Oh, hey.
Awesome.
You know, John and Jill are getting married.Let's all Let's all pray for them, right?Why don't we pray for the couple that's been married for 33 years,
that has gone through a miscarriage,
that was on the brink of divorce seven years ago?
Why don't we pray for the couple that has only been married for three years, but it's been a rough three years, and they're they're working through it.Right?Like that's my shtick with the church.So number one is committed where it's like we understand we are entering the lifelong covenant of marriage and unless there is a biblical reason to do so we are not leaving.
Right?But I also think that a lack of commitment is a symptom again of the lies that women have bought into where it's kind of the tick- tock thing of like well
if I'm not happy I'll just leave.Like if he's not giving me my peace I got to preserve my peace.Right?That's another lie circulating the streets of America, unfortunately.Number two, I would say consistent.
So, we are consistently there for each other, but we also consistently understand that this is a team sport and that from the moment we enter that covenant of marriage, we are going to be there until we die.That is, you know, marriage is such a unique thing because the desired end goal of a marriage is that we are separated by death and reunited in heaven.
Do you believe there's marriage in heaven?I don't think so.No.I think we'll be married to Christ and it'll be better.So, like, you know, yes and no, I guess.But, um, that is like the desired end state of a Christian marriage.Um, but we also consistently understand, hey, this is a team sport.And we're consistent about that of, hey, uh, I didn't sleep well last night.I'm probably not at 50% today.I'm probably at 30.Can you do 70, right?And then we make that work.And then I would say number three is Christ centric is that we have the same foundation and not just the same foundation in the sense of we both go to church for an hour on Sunday or you knowwe both occasionally read our Bible but Christ centric in the way of we are both allin on God
and we have that as our capital T truth that is how we see the world around us and that is ultimately the foundation for our family consistent committed and Christ centric.My name is Haley and I am the founder of the perfect pairing collective.I created this Christian matchmaking service because I believe finding your spouse should be intentional and not left up to chance and algorithms.Every client I work with receives personalized matchmaking, curated introductions, and someone genuinely invested in their journey.I pray alongside my clients, encourage them through the dating process, and help them pursue a Christc centered relationship with purpose.If you're ready to date with intention, I'd love to take that next step with you.Visit the Perfect Pairing Collective and book your free discovery call today.Do you talk to married people a lot?
Um, yeah, absolutely.
Are most of your friends married?
Uh, it's a mix.I mean, listen, being in like your mid to late 20s is weird because you've got some friends who are married and they've been married for a while, relatively speaking.You have friends who are divorced, you have friends who are having kids, you have friends who are single.Like, you've got you've got all flavors there.So
I find that women who are in a season of singleness have this anxiety and desperation around getting married and then married women are like no hold on to your singleness
even in the church.
I'm single at this moment
and I've sought a lot of wisdom from older married or even potentially widowed women.I mean, I'm talking like older women, and they all tell me, even the ones who are happily married and wouldn't trade their life for anything, they say, "But enjoy your singleness, too."
And I think they say that in a good spirit.I really do because singleness is a very special time.I'm coming to realize.But also, married women are instructed to pour into younger single women.So, and I'm assuming men have been instructed to do this do the same thing.So, what is something that married couples or married men will tell unmarried people that is like actually super unhelpful?And let me caveat it this caveat this with um
you know they'll say enjoy your singleness.You'll never get it back
or really find yourself before.And even Christian women will advise other Christian women to do this and think this way.And then they'll always say little tropes like God has someone out there for you.Yeah.
Or he'll send the perfect person in the perfect time or trust God's timing.And I I I feel like it they say this because they don't want to go back to the pain of what it felt like to be single or not have hope about someone or they don't want to digin with that person and truly listen to their heart just because it's a very different season of life.So what is something that married people tell single people that is just wildly unhelpful?Okay.So, there's two things I've heard from my married friends that both of them when I hear it, it's just like salt in the wound, right?Um, so I think the first one is exactly what you said, which is enjoy your singleness.And I don't think that's helpful at all.Right.And I'll tell you why is because I think I think people when they say that they're saying enjoy your singleness when they should actually be saying prepare yourself and get ready now.
make use of your time as a single man or a single woman.
Enjoying it sounds so purposeless.
Exactly.
There's no goal.
But also too, I think it hits at again one of the biggest lies in society, which is if you say enjoy your singleness, right?That's got different connotations to different people.And I don't think that's a helpful cultural connotation where we are today in our society.
You don't find people often saying enjoy your marriage.
Yeah.Exactly.because it's so silly to say that.
Yeah.Yeah.It's like, okay, I I hope so.Like
I hope Yeah.I think we all would hope so.
Yeah.And I think I think the other one too is also something you touched on, which is, oh, well, you'll meet your spouse when you LEAST EXPECT IT.
OH, THAT IS THE WORST ONE
cuz I I've had two I've had two very committed Christian relationships and both women I met at times I was not expecting it and neither time it's worked out by the grace of God.And so it's like it's a little bit like salt in the wound.And it's like, hey, God can do crazy things.Absolutely.I'm not I'm not casting aspersions on that.
Of course.
But it's also just like it's such a trope, you know?
God will send him when you least expect it.
Yeah.
No, I'm looking.
Yeah.
How like as if you if you stop looking, God will magically send them.So as if your ability to control the situation is when you stop focusing on it.
I'm so glad you said that.The amount of really well-meaning women genuinely well meaning and I I 100% trust their motive.They say that as some kind of comfort.
Yep.And I think I think one thing though too about married couples and I sense this with two of the married couples I'm very close to, right, is that they underestimate I would say the burden of being single andsort of honestly the frustration of being single though too
in our current society where it's like it's like one of these again it's one of these um very tried expressions.Oh, you know, you'll find your person when you least expect it.And it's like, yeah, dude, but I've been single for how many years now?Or whatever it like your average kind of story is.
Yes.
And I've looked and here I am,
you know?
Oh, that's so good.Here's why I really hate that phrase is he'll God will send him when you least expect it.It's because that reinforces the idea that dating is something that is completely passive and that marriage is something that is accidental.Falling in love, falling is accidental and passive.You are not doing the falling.Gravity is making you fall.And you don't intentionally fall unless you're a stunt double, which most of us aren't.So when you are actively trying to find a wife
or a husband and then the church comes along and says, "Yeah, God will just send him when he's ready."Again, which is actually kind of true.Like God's timing really is perfect, but it just reinforces the idea that you should stop looking when you actually should be using your youth and your attractiveness that you have now and your energy to find someone to builda life with.But if you can just sit back and wait for God to Amazon Prime someone to your door and have no strategy and have no list guiding principles, you're not telling people you're interested in getting married and they're nothelping you, you don't have a community trying to help you and vet the person, marriage will not happen for you.So, I think other Christian friends that we have that are married obviously shouldn't take on the burden of dating for you, of course, but should also be conscious that they might be reinforcing the idea that marriage is accidental,
which none of them would ever say.
Yeah.I mean, even going back to our conversation earlier, right, think about the phrase enjoy your singleness, right?Yeah.Enjoy.It's like, you know,
if the standard is enjoying your singleness, it's pretty vapid.
Yeah.Because marriage, the point of marriage is not happiness.The point of marriage is sacrifice, looking like Christ,
sanctification.And then if you're enjoying your singleness, then you're probably going to go into a relationship with the precondition or the idea that your marriage should also be something that gives you happiness and enjoyment, which is not the rightway to go about it as we know.
Hooray.Hey, you Yeah, you almost have to treat it like a job in the sense of, hey, you wake up, you work hard, you grow in your skills as a married man or married woman and you continuously work onit.Like the best couples I know who are married, they have wonderful marriages and they've been married for a few years, but they're still going to the church workshops about marriage.They're still reading the books.They're still seeking wise counsel and they're working on it and maintaining it just like anything else like you would a job.
The topic shifts to what makes a woman wife material and why maturity matters more than simply wanting motherhood. The speaker also argues that men should be physically fit and disciplined, since fitness reflects broader character and responsibility.
Women are born good moms.Women are not born good wives.
Okay.Well, here's here's a question for you then, Lily Kate.
Oh, okay.
If women are born good moms,
what have we done wrong as a society to make them bad moms?
We've allowed abortion and low standards and feminism to get in to women's minds and has wrecked the way that they view family.Let me say this, women are naturally born good caretakers.But you can be a great caretaker, but that's actually not being a great wife.And in time of singleness, I think women need to be pursuing virtue and excellence so that they can become and have the materials to be a good wife.Because I have been talking with with guys and they will tell me I had someone tell me to my face he said Lily
you are a wife you're not a girlfriend and he's not promoting like arranged marriages or something like that I should skip dating and be you know but what he was saying and I I took it as such agenuine compliment he told it was you're the type of woman that already has the capacity or I see the capacity that you will be a good wife.You're not the type of girl that would stay a girlfriend.So, I want to ask you this.In your opinion, what differentiates girlfriend material from wife material?I'll tell you what, and this is a great first day question, which is what do you think is more impactful?What do you think is more important, being a wife or being a mother?
And what I found is that's a very telling question
because Yeah.Yeah.Yeah.And I mean, let's just throw all the cards on the table here, right?To me, if a woman says wife, that's extremely telling of a wise, mature, spiritually mature woman.If a woman says mother, to me, what that says is, well, I just kind of want like a baby cuz like I used to play with dolls and like that sounds fun and like it'll affirm me and howI feel.It'll give me value.It'll give me something to do.And it's like if they say mom, especially immediately, it's like that is not a fully developed thought.Wow.
So, I think in one word it's maturity.
Not saying that your answer of wanting to be a mom is bad.
No.Oh, no.Not at all.
But your spouse actually should come first sometimes.
Yeah.Absolutely.I I like I think part of how God has designed this world is in an order.
Yes.
Right.And the order is if the house is burning down and we've got 30 seconds to get out, I'm grabbing my wife and then I'm coming back in for the kids.I'm not grabbing the kids first.As much as I love them, right?As much as I love the kids.
Chances are she'll have grabbed the kids.
Then we're all good.But see, that's the perfect order, though, right?
Because your wife or your husband is the only family member you're ever going to get to pick and choose.The rest of them are just fate.
Yeah.
God's providence.
Sure.Yeah.They're gifts.
So, you have to be really selective though.
Yeah.And then the flip side of that though too as a man is like, yeah, you if you're single and you're a man and you're out of shape, I was there two years ago.Right.The first thing you need to do before you look for a wife is you need to get in shape.Because if you're not physically capable of carrying your wife or your kids out of a burning building, you need to go go back.Do not pass go.Do not collect $200.You got to start from the beginning.
Not to mention the other virtues that come along with being a physically fit, disciplined, self-controlled person.
Sure.
But you're talking you need to physically be able to hold a 150 pound woman.
Yeah.Absolutely.And that's going to be a controversial opinion.Probably going to piss some guys off.Honestly, I don't really care because I know I'm right.Which is
And they know you're right, too.
Yeah.Yeah.As a man, you should be physically fit.And as a woman, you should expect that out of your man.What can a woman infer about a man who is physically fit?
I think character wise,
what a woman can infer about someone who's physically fit is that he's probably in shape in other parts of his life.
So like, let's back up for a minute here, Lily Kate.So I graduated from college two years ago, right?And I had about 50 pounds more of fat on my body than I do right now.
Wow.
And I graduated and I said, "Okay, my my biggest goal," because you know, like I listen, I was in college.We had Chick-fil-A on campus, like you know, brutal lineup, right?
Yeah.
And you know, college just is not kind to our bodies.Um, and so I was like, hey, my first goal, uh, you know, in a very selfish way is like, I want to get in shape.And it was always my dream to do a marathon.Did a half marathon in college.Um, and I said, I'm going to I'm going to do it.I'm going to go all in on this physical fitness stuff, right?And by the way, I'm not this bro.I promise.I just it's just how the cards fell.And so got in great shape, ran four marathons last year, apparently training for a half iron man.
Wow.
I'm on a triathlon team.I have never felt more disciplined spiritually and more disciplined in the office as well than I do right now.And it's because of the discipline that I've had to apply in the gym.
It's common knowledge that a good, supportive, grateful woman would further enhance that.
This section focuses on how women can support men through respect and admiration, and how disrespect can erode a relationship. It also examines nagging, distrust, and negativity as patterns that damage long-term attraction.
Would you say that's true?I would hope so.
So, what is something that women can do that pulls men away from that physical excellence?
Actually, I I want to go back to that previous question.I think a great woman would absolutely support that in two ways, right?So, they would support it directly,
of course,
like, hey, you've got your gym time.Like, go for it.Like, go do whatever you need.Like, hey, you're you're training for whatever.Like, go for it.But then I also think they support it indirectly.And I think this is a point a lot of women miss, which is the mere fact of having a woman in your life who you're dating, engaged to, married, whatever, that should call you to hire as a man.And so that should be even more motivation to be in better shape because rather than imagining, okay, what if I have to drag my wife out of a burning building, you know, what if I have to drag herout of a building?Burning building.Femininity inspires masculinity and masculinity inspires femininity.Those are the two energies, if you will, that complement each other and that create more necessarily of the other.
And that's super beautiful.But there are also ways that they can stop inspiring each other.So, what ways can she stop inspiring as like a cautionary tale masculinity out of a man?
Respect.
She
disrespect.
Disrespect.
Disrespect.What does that look like?
One of the deepest callings of every man is to feel respected by the people he loves.
And I think the way that you destroy that super quickly as a woman is through disrespect,
right?
Give me an example of a way a girlfriend could disrespect a boyfriend because we're not talking about marriage.
Sure.Sure.So, like great example.I worked 12 hours on Tuesday because I I just had to, right?Got in the office at 7 a.m.Didn't clock out till like 700 p.m.
Gez.
Right.Now, would I have done that with a family?I mean, maybe.Like, I'm sure there's going to be times in my life where I'm gonna have to do that.And probably more, honestly.Uh, so like the way that you destroy that as a woman is you're like, "What were you doing in the office for so long?What took so long?Why didn't you want to get home?Don't you love us?"It's like, whoa.And that's another another thing, too, where it's like you're missing all of the effort because you only see the tip of the iceberg.
So, nitpicking.
Yeah.But I think nitpicking is a form of disrespect.Well, baked into those that set of questioning was assuming that he's not doing anything and assuming the worst out of him.
Yeah,
I find a lot of women will automatically assume the worst out of him for no reason.
But I would say assuming the worst is also a form of disrespect.So also though he has to be a man who is worthy of receiving that respect where she doesn't have to assume the worst.Right.
Yeah.And that and that's the responsibility of the man is you have to be worthy of that respect and you have to earn that respect, right?It shouldn't be freely given.
Um it should be earned and it should be earned every single week.Now, that's where you do have to be again that consistent teammate who says, "Hey, we're going through a tough season right now."Whatever, whatever, whatever.Life happens.
I need you to help row this boat a little bit faster than you would otherwise because I've got to slow down.
Is it more important for a man to feel respected or admired?
I would say admiration is a form of respect.
Okay.
The foundational feeling of respect for a man is recognition of his hard work.And out of that recognition hopefully would come admiration.
So if you have respect, admiration is pretty much the outpouring of it.
I would think so.Yeah.
Have you felt that?
Why do you think I'm single?
It's rough out there.Lily Kate,
does that just mean she's verbally affirming the things that you're doing or is that something deeper?admiration, the the feeling of you being admired by her.
I think that's where you have to know your audience, right?That's where you have to know your boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, is you have to know how do they feel and receive love, right?Like you don't want to cook steak for a woman who loves lobster, right?Like I'm a words of a guy, right?If you tell me, "Hey, great job today, babe.So proud of you."Like, perfect.You know, if you're like, "Hey, um, I got you a cake because I just want to tell you a great job."like, okay, that's wonderful.I probably want to eat the cake because I'm, you know, again, trying to train for a half iron man.So, you know,
so knowing his love language and giving him respect in the form of admiration via that love language will be life-giving to him.
Absolutely.Yeah.And it'll be empowering to the man as well.
Well, women have this unique ability to speak life over him or completely wither him.Have you seen a man ever who has been married for a long time that has a withering wife and he is just beat down?
He is just a shell of himself
and he runs away from conflict because he's going to get his head bit off every time that he
steps out of line.
Yeah.I mean, my favorite book in the Bible is Proverbs, right?Because growing up without a father figure for me, Proverbs is like the letter I wish I got from my dad.And I did.I got it from God.So, praise him for that.But there are so many things in Proverbs that I think we can read and just take super seriously.
And one of those is that a nagging wife is like a dripping roof.
And it's like, wow.You think about that
and how powerful that is for just your everyday life.Yeah.
On a minute-by-minute uh scene.
Does nagging come first or distrust come first in a relationship?What happens to lead to the other?I think if you believe that the man is the leader and the head of the household, it's him getting out of shape.And I don't necessarily mean physically, right?I'm kind of talking the whole enchilada here.Like the first thing to fall apart is is the man in that way of getting out of shape physically, spiritually, emotionally, whatever, socially, financially.The list goes on from there.And and that's where if a woman is looking to a man and she starts to see that like of course trust would break down you know because you stop her own the boat
and as a byproduct she becomes an ag.
I think so.I would I think that's the cycle.Yeah
I would agree with that.
Yeah.
I've seen more relationships in people's 20s break down because he on a primal level cannot be trusted by her and so therefore she feels like she has to nitpick.
Yeah.I find that if she's not a radical feminist, nitpicking is a byproduct of that.
I think that's probably right.
But then I also just feel like we're instructing men to just be better.But there is a feminine excellence to an aspect of it where she can call the best out of him consistently and he will rise to the occasion.
The final stretch covers discernment, changeable versus unchangeable traits, and the importance of clear communication in dating. It closes with advice for young men to step up, build integrity, and prepare now for the future they will inherit.
Yeah.
But it's his job to to rise up.
I would say so.Yeah.I I I I think that's right where it's like if you think about the stereotype of like you know your Homer Simpson, right?Who again is just like the guy with Cheetos on his shirt watching football on the couch and you know his wife doesn't respect him all of this, right?What is the first step to break that cycle?Get up and do something as a man.
Or is it her being more respectful of him?
Like I'm I'm trying to gauge this a chicken or the egg situation
to instruct and help both young men and women get out of the rut.Yeah,
that they might find themselves in or avoid ruts when they do get into relationships.
The answer is both.
I think so, too.
Yeah.
Change yourself.
Cuz if only one changes, it breaks down.
Well, the change won't last.
Yeah.
What's a bigger ick?
Oh, bro.Here we go.
Gossip or negativity?Gossip about other people or negativity as a personality trait?
Oh, negativity 100%.Because again, if you think about the commitment of marriage, right, going back to the first seed commitment is who do you want?Okay, like let's just back up for a minute.Let's just do some quick math here.The American life expectancy is about 75 years.Let's say you get married when you're 25.That means you're going to be with this person for 50 years, right?Which is twice as long as you've been alive at that current point.Even longer if you think about, okay, when are you a kid?When you become a golf, you get it.Who do you want to be with for 50 years?Who do you want to have every meal with?
Who is someone you truly enjoy?
Yeah.
Right.Who is someone who brings you joy just by their personhood and their personality?Right.And for me that negativity is like no thank you.I want nothing to do with it.And that's not to say though too we can't have bad days.Like that's part of the beauty of again that lifelong commitment.
But that's different than negativity as a personality trait.
You are going to wake up next to that person for 50 years.
and you're probably going to eat at least one meal a day, if not two or three with them for 50 years or more.The raw materials of that person will probably not change.Sowhen I advise young women about the types of men that they're trying to pursue or get into relationships with, I advise them you have to look at the raw materials
and you have to discern what is changeable and what is unchangeable.Because you know it culture, everybody has an ick for everything.Some people have icks that are like dark black socks is some people have character icks that are like I just don't like a person who's negative.Okay.What which ones of your icks are actually changeable and which ones of your icks are not changeable about a person?For me, the fact that you can use silverware or cutlery well at a table is super important to me.But is that something I will penalize a guy for?No, because with like 10 minutes of conversation, you can change that.
Yeah.Well, that's good because I only own plastic silverware.So,
I can fix him.I'm going to Amazon Prime some cutlery to your house just to make sure.
Like a fine meal for me is a nice protein shake.Okay.That's, you know,
not a steak.
Yeah.Well, a steak with no sides.
That's so bachelor coded.Him using his cutlery is completely changeable because it's just something you pick up.It's a social grace.It's easy.But something that is not changeable is his worldview.How he was raised, how he relates to other people, how he loves other people.Again, people can develop and change and God can do anything.But you have to look at the things that are changeable versus unchangeable in a person.Don't make a permanent decision on a person using things that are completely changeable.
That's wise.And I think the difference there, Lil Kate, is desire where it's like, does someone have a desire to change and to grow?And also though too, like how big or small is that change relative to their action?
So for example, like with your cutlery, right, that seems like a pretty simple and straightforward thing to do.
Yeah.
How much does someone work on that?Like are they doing it for three hours a week?Okay, because that seems like you could probably knock that out pretty fast, right?
One week.You got it.
Yeah.Or are they doing five minutes every few months?Right.Because Okay, then they're not going to change realistically.
As I've gotten older and busier and my friends have all gotten older and busier because we always have this idea that, oh, in this next season I'll be less busy.Never happens.
Never happens.
Never.And so truly the way that someone can show that they care is by prioritizing time with you and then making sure that time is not interrupted by as many factors as possible.Phone, family, etc.Actions speak louder than words is a common phrase that we'll hear.But what it really actually means is
see how much of their good quality time are they giving you and your words and that will tell you everything you need to know.If you just reframe it like that, your relationships become a lot more straightforward.analyzing them doesn't have to be this like game of he said this or he didn't respond for this many hours.None of that matters.It's all noise.It's all just check your phone, respond when you can kind of stuff.But if they're actually carving out time in their increasingly busy schedule to be with you presently, that is the best way to read how much someone actually cares.And I think a lot of young women need that because we will twist ourselves into knots and do pretzels and mental gymnastics trying to analyze his word choice here or there and then still not be able to evenget on the first date.
Ambiguity of okay, what is this?What are we?All those questions that flow through everyone's head.It's your job as a man to clarify those.And that that is a symptom.If you feel that as a woman, if you feel if you start to have those questions,
unclarity,
what are we?Stomach is in a pretzel, all of those things you just listed.If you start to feel those as a woman, that is a symptom that the man you are dating, whatever, has not stepped up enough and clarified things and been a leader.
Clarity is care.
Absolutely.Clarity is care and clear is kind and kind is loving.
What is a female trait that is highly underrated by men?I think most men would say submission.But I think underneath that, something we don't give enough credit to is discernment.I think discernment is highly undervalued.And I'm not talking discernment in the sense of, oh, like he's kind of cute or, you know, whatever.
That's not discerning.
No, no, no.I'm I Yeah, yeah, yeah.I'm I'm talking like a much deeper level here of, okay, well, like he said he goes to church.He says he believes in God, but like I don't see any evidence of that in his day-to-day life.So what is really going on here?Or honestly even deeper than that too, if we change gears for just a moment, is professionally, which is okay, where is he at right now?What is kind of the arc he's on?
Where is that going to take him in five years?20 years.Absolutely.And how is that going to impact impact a potential future family?
There's not enough discernment and thought there.Or even two, like who are his friends?
Like if you're going out with somebody and you don't like their best friend or their their tribe as a man, uh you probably shouldn't date them, right?And I think I think one of the biggest red flags I ever missed in my dating life, Lily Kate, was the first Christian committed relationship I was in.I totally hated her friends.
Like I did not like them.I shouldn't say hate, that's a strong word.I did not like them and they did not like me and we all knew it and that should have been something that would have stopped the relationship.Has a fruit tree ever been ripe without you being able to see the fruit?
No.
I think far often today we paint with too broad of a brush too quickly.So if you think about a fruit tree, right?Okay.So, it's growing.It's growing.It's got all new growth.But then you start to see these little things coming out of the twigs.
Oh, those are flowers.And that's going to turn into a fruit one day.And so, there's not enough nuance around, okay, hey, I'm starting to see the flower, and that's going to be a fruit in the next season.And here are some full grown fruits.And so, anyway, there just needs to be a little bit more depth.
But the flowers are still evidence of fruit.
Absolutely.In all stages, there's evidence of fruit, no matter how advanced.It doesn't have to be the fully grown apple about to fall off the tree.It can still be evidence of it because that's proof of trajectory.And discerning what is actual fruit, what is potential fruit, and what literally needs to be cut off is something that young women need to have since we are the sexual selectors.And that's where too I think both sides, right, men and women need to really think about dating a little bit more of a process
in the way of okay, so what what gets you a first date, right?And so for me, it's the three C's.Christian, conservative, and cutie, right?
Like
I thought you were going to go back to your C from the beginning.
But that's marriage, okay?You know, I love my alliterations, right?So okay, Christian, conservative, cutie.That gets you a first date.
Oh my word.two out of three doesn't work and one out of three sure as heck doesn't work right
and so then okay so then you get to the first date okay so you got these three kind of preliminary qualifications right so what do you need beyond that right I would say if you just talk about Christianityfor a moment right it's okay so are we are we in the same camp theologically because if we can't go to the same church the marriage sure as heck is not going to work
in one sentence can you give young men advice in terms of dating Uh, step up.If you're a young man, step up.The world needs you.Our country needs you.
You need
our young women need you.Step up.
Our young women need you.No one has said that young women need young men yet.Because we hear men step up, men in general, but young men.There are generations of young women, whether they're sorority girls or Starbucks girls or Target girls or course girls, who literally need youto build yourself, to find integrity, and to be a man of clarity and decisive action.because those are your wives.I don't think young men probably think about the fact that their peers are going to be their wives one day, their female peers.
Yep.I mean, here's an even deeper thought, right?Which is, you know, I'm in my late 20s, you're in your mid20s, right?In 25 years, we are going to inherit this country and in this world.So, how do you do that?Well, you prepare for it now.So, how are we getting ready right now?at this moment because the time the time's ticking.
Thank you for coming on the show.
Thanks for having me.It's been a joy.
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