Transcript
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Introduces the specific loneliness that can arise when dating someone who is already partnered. Explains why this experience is common, valid, and often misunderstood.
There's a very specific kind of loneliness that can happen when you're dating someone who's already partnered.If you're polyamorous.
And most people don't have the language for it, right?They think that they're they're doing it wrong.So, let's change that.I've been getting a lot of requests lately for guidance around this specific thing.For people who are single, dating polyamorously, uh solo poly, and especially if they're dating someone who's already partnered or already a part of a couple.Um and so I want to start by saying this really clearly.This is not my lived experience.I haven't personally navigated dating as a single person coming into an already established dynamic.And I still have a lot to say about it.
Because I do work with people in this dynamic all the time.And I see the patterns.I see what hurts.I see what works.I see where people lose themselves without even realizing it.So, if this is you, this episode is for you.And I'm Alicia Pain, your non-monogamous relationship coach, and this is Nope, We're Not Monogamous.Welcome back.Let's start here where well, most folks aren't aren't prepared for this, okay?You can feel really deeply connected to someone and still feel profoundly alone, right?Like you can be chosen and still not feel prioritized in the ways that you want.You can have these really beautiful intimate meaningful moments and then go home to a life that doesn't include them in the same way.And that can create some like emotional whiplash.Where one part of you feels full and another part of you feels like something is missing.
And a lot of people make themselves feel like they're wrong for that.Right?They're like, I I chose this.I should be okay with this.I said yes.I agreed.No, you're allowed to feel both.You're allowed to love what is and grieve what isn't available.And one of the biggest things I want you to hold on to is you have to maintain your own life.Your friendships, your hobbies, your routines, your sense of self.Because when you're dating someone who's already partnered, they literally cannot be your everything.I mean, nobody can be your everything.But this like adds layers, right?And if you slowly start shaping your life around their availability, you're going to feel it.You'll feel the gaps more.You'll feel the waiting more.You'll feel the loneliness more.And this only works if your life is already full and they are adding to it and not becoming the center of it.
Focuses on maintaining a full life, avoiding overreliance on one person, and creating a relational ecosystem. Encourages honest self-reflection about whether this dynamic truly fits your needs.
And this may feel a little bit edgy, okay, but it's really really important.If you're dating someone who's already partnered, they probably shouldn't be your only partner.Okay?All right, unless like you are very intentionally choosing that and you actually understand what comes with it.And and this isn't like a rule.It's more like a reality check, right?Because they already have a built-in emotional support.They already have someone doing many parts of their life with them in a certain way.Um they have responsibilities.And if you center them as your only connection, there's going to be an imbalance and you're going to feel it.And not because you're doing something wrong, okay?But because structurally, it's just it's uneven.So, so this is where I want you to really look at your life.Are you still dating?Are you open to other connections?Do you have friendships and community that actually support you?
Because this works a lot better when your world doesn't revolve around one person who can't fully meet you.So, we're not talking about like needing less.This is Are you resourced in more places and not centering couplehood as the only way that your life gets to feel full and not letting new relationship energy keep you focused in that direction.And and here I want to offer you a reframe that can can change how this feels.So, instead of trying to get everything from one person, from this person you're excited about, who can't give you everything, what if you build a relational ecosystem?Where different people build uh meet different needs.Where different people meet different needs.Where your emotional world isn't dependent on one dynamic.Where you actually feel supported in multiple directions on multiple levels, right?And I want to be really clear that I'm not saying you should be trying to become someone's primary partner.
I'm not saying you should hold out for a specific structure.What I'm saying is that we've been taught our culture our society has taught us to center couplehood as the goal, as the prize, as the thing that means we're fully loved and whole.And that's not the only way to be met.You can be deeply loved, deeply supported, deeply connected without one person being your everything.That's why we're polyamorous.
Right?So, it might look like other romantic connections, deep nourishing friendships, community spaces where you feel seen, chosen family.Right?Because the more your life is resourced in multiple places, the less you're going to feel the absence in this one specific place.So again, this is not about needing less.It's about not putting all of your emotional weight, all of your emotional eggs in one person's basket that doesn't have the capacity to hold it.Okay, so uh I want you to get really honest with yourself.There's a difference between choosing this dynamic because it aligns with you and tolerating it because you really like them.Or you really love them.Or you just you're really invested, right?There's a difference between expanding your capacity for love and shrinking your needs to fit someone else's availability.And that is not always obvious at first.But over time, your body is going to tell you.
Right?Flip the lens a little bit.Okay, because it's really easy to focus on what are they available for?How much time can they give me?What kind of relationship can they offer me?But the deeper questions are what am I actually available for?Am I available for a relationship that has predetermined limitations?Am I available for sharing someone's time, energy, and attention in this way?Because a lot of people think that they are, right?They they're like, yeah, that sounds great.Until they're in it and things start to shift.So, I want you to get really honest with yourself.Can I genuinely enjoy this without needing it to become something else, without needing it to get on the relationship escalator?Will I start to resent the limitations over time?Am I secretly hoping that this will turn into something different later?Because if the answer's yes, that's really important information.
It's not wrong or bad, but it's really important.It's so important to know about yourself.
Explores how desires evolve over time and why early-stage relationships require both patience and clear communication. Emphasizes that it is okay to ask for what you need, even early on.
Knowing what you want is key.It's critical.And staying honest about what you want as it changes is like that's real deep work.Um real good relationship work, right?Because because in the beginning, it's so easy to say like, I'm so good with something casual.I don't need that much time.I like my independence.Uh my life is full.But then maybe you start getting attached.You start becoming invested in the relationship and in this person.You care more.You want more consistency.You miss them.You want to feel more included.You want to matter in a deep way.Right?Like this is such a human thing to want more of the things that feel good.Okay?Your desires aren't fixed.They're not static.They evolve with the connection.And the version of you that said yes to this dynamic in the beginning might not be the same version of you a few months in.
And a lot of people don't struggle because they want too much.They struggle because they stop telling the truth about what's changed and and what their desires are.Like you're so allowed to outgrow the version of the relationship that you once agreed to.And also, let's ground ground into this a little bit.Because sometimes we overcomplicate things just because it's polyamory, um early stages are still early stages, okay?Even in non-monogamous relationships.And there's two sides to this.Sometimes we want too much too soon.We want consistency that hasn't developed yet.We want emotional security before before trust has even had time to form.We want like integration into their life before the relationship stabilized.And and that doesn't like make you needy, but but pacing matters.Like that's still an important factor in any relationship, right?So, let the relationship become something before you require it to prove something.
Before you need it to be something it's not, actually.And at the same time, sometimes we don't ask for enough soon enough, right?We hold back.We try to be cool.We try to be chill.We don't want to disrupt their existing relationships, their existing life.So, we tell ourselves like it's too early to bring this up.Just because it's early doesn't mean you don't get to have standards.Right?So, early does not mean stay quiet and don't be yourself.You don't have to like rush the intimacy, but you also don't have to delay speaking your truth and asking for the things that you want.
Discusses couple's privilege, overcompensating by being low-maintenance, and the fantasy of being easy or drama-free. Reframes the importance of dating the reality of what is actually available.
Let them decide what works for them.Don't make those decisions for them.Okay?Um we also have to talk a little bit about couple's privilege.So, couple's privilege, I'm not this is not to villainize anyone.Okay?It's just it happens, right?Most of the time it's not intentional, but it is real.It shows up in like who gets prioritized in decision-making, who gets holidays, who gets default time, who gets visibility.And if you don't name it, you don't talk about it, you'll internalize it.You'll start think thinking like maybe I'm asking for too much instead of noticing that this dynamic has a built-in hierarchy.And you have to decide if that works for you.And also hopefully that's something you can talk about and talk out in your relationships.If that's not something you can talk about, get get out of there.
A lot of people in this situation tend to tend to overcompensate, right?They try to be a really easy partner, like low main- and I've been guilty of this, right?Low maintenance, no pressure, super understanding, and they don't ask for what they actually need.You are allowed to want things.You are allowed to ask for consistency, for clarity, for care, for intentional time.And then you let people meet there.Meet you there.You let people meet you there where where you're at.Or not.Again, that gives you a lot of information to go off of.
There's also a fantasy that shows up here, right?Like I'm going to be a cool independent partner.This will be easy, no drama.And then the reality hits, like you you get attached, you have needs, you want more.And suddenly you're like, wait, am I even allowed to want this?Like this isn't what they agreed to.But yes, yes, you're allowed to want this.You're allowed to want what you want.Doesn't mean you'll get it, but you're allowed to want for it.You're also allowed to ask for it.And it can be really hard to admit um especially when you really like someone.If you're dating someone who's already partnered, you have to date who and what is actually available.Not who they would be if things were different, not who they might become, not what it could look like someday, not what the potential is, but what's real right now because that is what your nervous system has to
live in.Right?Because otherwise you wait and you hope and you overinvest, and that's where people get hurt.Not because they wanted too much, but because they were loving someone for their potential, for a fantasy instead of what the reality of what was instead of instead of loving the reality of what was being offered, right?And I also want to name this because it's just because this is a valid relationship structure does not mean that it's necessarily the right one for you.If you feel like an afterthought, if you're constantly adjusting yourself to to fit, if you're over-functioning emotionally to keep things smooth and easy, if you're losing parts of yourself, that matters a lot.A whole lot.Because like this can be healthy.These This can be a super healthy relationship, and when it is, it looks like you feeling considered instead of like squeezed in, right?
Your time is respected, there's consistency, there's transparency, you're not hidden, you're not minimized, you matter.
Reassures listeners that they can change their minds and want more without guilt. Closes with guidance on seeking coaching support and a reminder to take what resonates.
And I want I want to leave you with this, one more thing.Uh you get to change your mind.You always get to change your mind.You're allowed to try something and realize it's not for you.You are allowed to want more.You're allowed to need something different, and that might mean more availability from one person, or it might mean building a life where multiple connections meet you in different ways.Because more does not always mean becoming someone's primary partner, right?Sometimes more means your life gets to be bigger than one relationship.Sometimes more means you get to be supported in more places, not just one.So, this is not about like whether or not polyamory works, it's about whether this particular dynamic and relationship works for you.So, if any of this is something you're navigating right now and you're noticing yourself getting like pulled in different directions, wanting more, not knowing how to ask for it, or questioning whether this dynamic actually works for you, this
is exactly the kind of thing I support people through in coaching.So, if you want deeper support, you can book a clarity call with me at aliciapayne.com/chat or grab the link in the show notes.If you want something you can use right now, today, there's a just the tip bonus in my Patreon at patreon.com/notmonogamous where I walk you through how to handle moments where you're feeling activated in real time.And as always, like seriously, take what works for you.Take what resonates for you.Leave the rest.Your relationships are unique.You're not alone in this.Uh and I'm just one person trying to help a little.So, you know, use what works for you.Otherwise, I hope you enjoyed it.You know, don't forget to like and subscribe and leave a comment.Tell me what's working for you.Tell me what you like.Tell me what you don't like.
Hit me up with questions.Bye.