Transcript
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Introduces the idea that how you think you sound differs from how others hear you, then covers habits 10 through 7: filler words, trailing off, apologizing for ideas, and rushing when nervous.
Speaker A
Most people think improving their communication is about learning how to articulate their thoughts more clearly and confidently.But after 15 years as a communication coach, I've learned that how you think you sound and how you actually sound to others are two very different things.And there are 10 speaking habits that are creating this gap.And I'm going to walk you through all 10 in order of how much they cost you professionally.And I'm going to show you the exact behavior you should replace those bad ones with so you can close the gap between how you think you sound versus how you actually sound and come across.
So let's start with number 10.And it's still blurry because I'm not gonna reveal it just yet.I want you to see if you can actually spot what number 10 is through this example.Andy, I got a cup of coffee.Like, you know, like, do you want it?
Did you manage to work it out?Number 10 is using non words and filler words.When you see someone who talks like this, their speech littered with non words and filler words.What are some words that come to your mind?What do you perceive about them?You're going to think they're shy, you're going to think they're awkward, low levels of confidence, they're not competent.Can you see how much this simple non functional behavior is costing you?This is one of the first things I get our students to minimize immediately when they join us in our stage programs.When you speak like this, it sounds like you're all over the place.It seems like you're a scatterbrain and there's no clarity in your speech to reduce the non words and filler words.
Well, what do you replace it with?
What?I just did a pause.That's it.That's what you replace it with every time you feel the urge to say, just pause.Let me show you how powerful this one changes with one of my students.
Have a look at this.
Speaker B
So throughout medical school, I've always wanted to be a physician.So, you know, looking after your heart, lungs, and, you know, I just went to the wards and
Speaker A
you're filling a lot of the silence with the ums, ahs and a so no sos, ahs or ums, and very conscious of replacing the ums and the ahs and the Sos with silence.
Speaker B
I went into medical school thinking that I've always wanted to just help humanity, save lives, do big changes.
Little did I know that it's not all about saving lives.In that life and death, it's about changing quality of life.Big
Speaker C
round of applause.
Speaker A
How much better did she sound?
Full of confidence and authority.Now next, number nine, trailing off at the end of your sentences.This is when you start your sentences strong like this.But then after you continue to talk for a while, your voice starts to lose its energy, and you become really croaky.And then by the end of it, you start to sound like a villain who is trying to take over the world.
Do you hear that drop?That's called vocal fry, and it's more common than you think.Your brain doesn't even register you're doing it, because most people don't think about how they're speaking.They only focus on what they're saying.So what do you replace this bad habit with?Vin?You give every single word in the sentence the same amount of breath and energy that you give to the very first word, same fuel from start to finish.You start your sentences strong like this, and as you continue, make sure every single word has the same amount of breath and energy right till the very last word.Did you notice the difference?Did you feel the difference?Did you hear the difference?That's the line between a communicator who holds your attention all the way through the thought and the one who loses you halfway without even realizing.
Now the next habit.This one is the equivalent of handing someone a beautifully wrapped gift and then whispering, it's probably not what you wanted, and it's probably shit, right before they open the gift.Number eight, apologizing for your own ideas.
I see this in almost every single person who's early in their career.They devalue their own ideas before the other person has the chance to hear it with a phrase like, sorry, just a quick question.It's probably a bad idea, but I want to say, I might be wrong about this, but.And what you've done without realizing is you've told the listener that you don't truly, fully believe in yourself.You've given them permission to just dismiss you before you've even shared the idea.
These verbal flinches are called softeners, and they show up most when we feel like we haven't earned the right to speak.The problem is the softener becomes the first thing the listener hears.So your ideas walk into the room already limping.The replacement.It's simple.
Get rid of the apology.Remove the I think.And if the idea is worth saying, say it clean, direct statements.No softeners.Have a look at the difference.
I might be wrong about this, but I think maybe we should kind of try to post more content on Social media because you know it will help the world become better communicators.I don't know.What do you think?My suggestion is we need to post more content across our social media because it will help the world become better communicators.I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Vin on the left side sounds weak, unsure, whereas Vin on the right sounded more assertive and firm.Which one do you think is more influential?Pretty obvious.Right onto number seven.
Explains how rushing distorts communication and how slowing down helps both speaker and audience. Then shifts to habit 6, showing why making the moment about the audience instead of yourself improves delivery.
Speaker A
Rushing when you get nervous.
This happens to all of us.We speak in front of people, we get nervous, and because of this, we unconsciously talk faster because we just want to get it over and done with.And in this moment, you think speeding up will make everything better, but in actual reality, it does the opposite.It makes you sound worse.Let me play you something that will just drive this point home.
Oh, my goodness.That sounds so bad.It sounds like a car crash.What you just heard was one of the most beautiful piano pieces ever written by chopin.Played at 2 times speed, 3 times speed.
Every note was correct, but your brain registered it as a bloody car crash.Now here's what the piece sounds like when it's given room to breathe.
Ah, so much nicer.It's the same notes, but a completely different experience.And the difference is exactly what rushing does to your communication when you're nervous.Everything you actually wanted the listener to feel gets lost in the speed.You might be saying all the right things, but they are going to receive it in the wrong way.
The fix.It's counterintuitive.When you get nervous, your body's going to naturally want to speed up.So in that moment when you notice it happen, you have to go against it by slowing down.And when you do this, it gives your brain more time to think clearly.
Take some more deep breaths and give your words more space.Add more pauses, and suddenly it signals to your nervous system that you're safe, which calms you down.The moment I just did it, don't you immediately feel more calm too?So the benefit of doing this is that it calms you and it calms everybody else in your environment.And I really want you to pay attention to how you feel when someone else is speaking fast versus when they slow down and get nervous.Let me show you a real example with one of my students.Check this out.
Speaker D
What I should be trying to do is try to make the world a better place.I don't have to be a law intern at PwC or Ashes or whichever.You know,
Speaker A
when we're nervous, the first thing we do is we increase our rate of speech and we speak quickly because we just want this to be over and done with.So then we keep talking and we just keep pacing through and then I'm going to move on to the next thing that I did.
Speaker D
So my parents, they grew up in China and it became a real way of thinking that was fully focused on, on academic performance and exterior perceptions of success.
Speaker A
Pause.Big round of applause for that.Good.Now when you went slower, did you feel a bit more relaxed?
Speaker D
100%.
Speaker A
Ah, okay.So a slow rate of speech not only makes other people relaxed, it relaxes you.
Pretty crazy difference right?Now if we want to zoom out and ask why does your body speed up in the first place?The answer leads straight into the next one, which is number six.And number six is you make it all about you instead of making it all about the audience.This one is a psychological habit that all humans have.So don't feel bad if you do this.Say, for example, you're called to give a pitch.As an entrepreneur, you are called upon by your team to share one of your ideas.Or you are asked to do a speech at a wedding, a best man, a maid of honor, or maybe you get invited to speak at a company conference or even the TEDx stage.What happens immediately?At that point you start to immediately think, oh my God, what if the pitch goes bad?
Oh my God, what if I forget what I'm going to say?What if I make a fool of myself and embarrass the bride and the groom?What if they don't like my talk?What if my speech doesn't get any views?What if they leave mean comments about me?It's me, me, me all the time.You are stuck in a psychological loop thinking about yourself non stop.The more self obsessed you are, the more self conscious you become.And the more you put the focus on you, the worse speech you're going to give because you're no longer present.
You are now stuck in your own head.Which means what?Which means you're going to deliver poorly because there's no cognitive capacity left for delivery.I remember back in 2019, I was in Florida and I was coaching a CEO to deliver a speech to two and a half thousand people in his organization.And right before his presentation, I'm backstage with him and he's feeling really nervous.He's saying to me, oh Vin, I don't think I'm ready for this.I feel my suit doesn't even look good on me today.I don't think I can do it.What if I say the wrong thing?What if I forget my lines?
I don't think I'm creating the right impression with what I'm wearing, Vin.Ah.And he was freaking out.I had to stop him right there and then.And I said to him, mate, it's not about you.
It's about the two and a half thousand people you are about to serve.Get out of your damn head, otherwise I'm going to slap you.It's not about you.You're here to serve the audience.And I was pretty sure he was going to fire me after that, but he liked that I was being a little bit spicy with him.
And you know what?That snapped him out of it and he went out there and he crushed it.So the next time you notice this pattern starting to happen, this loop, reverse it and become more audience conscious.Think to yourself, if this message gets through, just the one person, I'm going to change the trajectory of their career, their life, and their level of happiness and think, today's not about me.It's all about those beautiful souls I'm about to speak to.
And the best thing is, once you become audience conscious, there's no cognitive capacity left for you to be self conscious, which means there's an automatic reduction in nervousness, anxiety, and self doubt.
Covers habit 5, speaking your thoughts without structure, and demonstrates how communication frameworks like PARA make answers clearer and easier to follow. Ends with practical ways to avoid overexplaining by repeating the core question and inviting follow-up.
Speaker A
On to number five, Unblur.Speaking your thoughts out loud.Most people, when they're put under the spotlight and they're asked a question that they don't know the answer to, they default to speaking their thinking process.And a lot of the times it's messy and it's all over the place.
It's raw, it's confusing because the listener doesn't know if you're trying to make a point or you're still building one in your head.Now, I just want to flag something really quickly here.If you actually want people to see your thinking and hear your thinking process in real time, that's okay.You just need to make sure you frame it first by saying something like, let me just think out loud for a second.And just by saying that, it gives you permission to ramble a little as you're finding your point and you're finding what you want to say.
But what I'm going to suggest is don't think out loud.Structure your thinking first with communication frameworks, then speak.Watch this.Peter, my head of content is about to ask me a question about the green screen.And watch me answer this without a communication framework.
Speaker E
Hey, Vin, I'm just wondering, why did you get a cloth green screen instead of A paper.One
Speaker A
paper just feels a little bit risky, Peter.I mean, sorry, not risky, I mean like annoying.You know, like the paper, the one that we use before it ends up looking kind of like trashed, you know, and like it doesn't get weirdly stuck on specific green, different types of green colors.The inconsistency in paper that exists because what probably is unnecessary.Yeah.Did you notice how annoyed Peter seemed?Did you feel your brain trying to keep up?That's what it's like being on the receiving end of unstructured thoughts.
Every idea leaves your mouth in the order your brain produced it, which is almost never the order your listener needs to hear it in.Most people communicate like this their entire lives because nobody ever taught them how to turn their thoughts into words with structure.It's like ordering something online and instead of arriving in a box, it turns up on your doorstep in a pile of loose parts.Things all over the place with a note that says, good luck mate.All the parts are there, but the listener now has to assemble it in real time with some pages missing from the manual.Now I want you to watch me talk to Peter.Now using a communication framework called para.
Speaker E
Hey, Vin, I'm just wondering, why did you get a cloth green screen instead of a paper one?
Speaker A
Well, point.I went with cloth because it just makes more sense for us.
Action.I've done hours of research, Peter, and I've discovered that cloth is just way more durable.Result.And the result is what you see right in front of you here, Peter.I got it.Also in the gecko green.Because this is way easier to key in post and then finally ask.So, Peter, do you want to take this for a test drive later?How much better was that?I said we'll do the test later.Why am I floating in space?This is ridiculous.Alright, fine.I guess we're doing this in space.At least I got a helmet on.
Let's round out my thoughts on this.Do you see how using frameworks makes you easier to understand?Para is just one of many frameworks that help you structure your thinking.And I've recorded a full two hour training on the top three communication frameworks that will help you turn your thoughts into words faster in personal and professional settings.Scan the QR code.It's floating around in space with me.Or you can click the link that's in the description and you can access that training immediately.Okay, Peter, you can.Oh, oh, oh, look.Oh.Okay, Peter, I see what's going on.We're starting to go down.Yeah, well, Peter, Peter, Peter.This is going too fast.Peter.Not too fast.Peter.No.Wow, that was dramatic, Peter.But thank you.
You made that extremely engaging for the listener.Peter surely deserves a like and subscribe for that one, right?Otherwise, seriously, one of these days, I will fire him.Let's stay locked in number four.Yeah, I'm leaving it blurry because I've got a little scene here, a little example.
That is an example of Vin pre 2015.And I want you to watch this to see if you can spot what number four is and what I'm doing wrong.Have you finished writing the Weekly V newsletter yet?Or actually, just when can you get it to me?Oh, man.Yeah, no worries.I mean, like, before we get into that, I gotta tell you why it's called Weeklyvee.I mean, do you know why it's called Weeklyvee?Because there's actually a backstory behind it.Because if you look at the V and the G, the V stands for vin, which is spelled V I, n H. Sometimes people spell it without the H. Drives me crazy, because it's not.It's not vin.Vin.It's VIN with a silent H. It's so obvious.And then the G is for the giang, which is again spelled G, I, A, N, G. And then Weekly V because it gets a weekly email from vin.
Do you see what I mean?
That's the backstory, which is rather critical as to the branding behind the whole thing.Did you spot it?Number four is all backstory and no point.I wasn't listening to Dan.Dan asked me a simple, specific question, and instead of answering it directly, I rambled a backstory about why I call my emails Weekly V, which he's never actually asked for.
The question was gone.And here's what I want you to notice.What's really happening beneath the surface here is that you're worried that the other person you're speaking to won't have enough context with a simple answer.So you overload them with the details, which does exactly that.It overwhelms the listener with everything you think they need instead of what they actually wanted in the first place.And when this happens too often, you become that person who everyone thinks says a lot without saying much at all.And trust me, you don't want to be that person.So the fix is a small physical habit that retrains the whole pattern.When someone speaks to you before you answer, repeat the core question back to them.Ah, the ETA for the emails.Yeah, I'm finishing them right now.And I'll have them to you by 5pm today at the latest.
Notice that one short sentence and what it does is it tells the speaker that they've been heard.It gives your brain a beat to actually process what was asked, which gets you out of your head and into the present moment.If they want the backstory or more context, they will ask you for it.Or you can just add a question at the end of the response, like this.Did you have any questions?Did you need any more context or clarity?Is there anything else that I can add to make things more clear?Now you're presenting the opportunity for them to ask you if they need more details as opposed to you front loading, when in a lot of cases is just not needed nor wanted.
Moves through habits 3 and 2: interrupting people and making conversations revolve around yourself. The speaker explains how to hold silence, ask deeper follow-up questions, and use a three-questions-to-one-story ratio.
Speaker A
All right, these are the final three, the most important, the ones that cost you the most in your career if you're doing them.Habit number three, interrupting people before they've finished talking.Oh, man, I'm so guilty of this one.I still do this quite often, and my wife hates it.If you're like me, and sometimes you've got a million things running in your head at once and you're in a conversation with a friend and they're talking to you, do you sometimes finish their sentences?
And you do this because you're trying to be helpful and you're trying to show the other person, look, how well I know you.But they feel like you're just trying to rush them to the finish line, that you don't have the patience to listen to them.And you know what's even worse?Often when you try to do this, you're often wrong, which is even more annoying for them because they now have to go, no, no, no, no, no.That's what I'm trying not.That's not what I'm trying to say.Let me show you what I mean.I just did this the other day with one of my team members, and this is how it went.
Speaker E
Hey, Vin, I've been meaning to talk about.Talk
Speaker A
about your future here.Here with us.
Speaker E
Yeah, that's right.Because lately I've been a little bit concerned.
Speaker A
Concerned about team morale.
Say no more.No,
Speaker E
Vin, I'm talking about the folder on the
Speaker A
folder that contains footage, surveillance footage of you, 2007, February 14th.The one that the police office want from us but you won't release the files.Is that the one you're talking about?
Speaker E
Oh,
Speaker A
right, right, yeah.I didn't think it was that.I didn't think it was that.
Speaker E
Look, I was talking about the folder on my computer that says may giveaway it's something you wanted to talk about to the YouTube audience.
Speaker A
Oh, yeah, yeah.Sorry, I totally forgot.Sorry.Forgot you were here.Listen, this entire May, we're doing giveaways into the online course, into my virtual stage programs, and into my in person workshops that's happening this August.And if you want to join the giveaway, just click the link below.And if you win, all the exclusive expenses will be paid for.So hopefully you join.Thank you, Peter.
Guys, almost forgot about that.
Speaker E
That was such a good segue, man.I don't know.
Speaker A
And it wasn't jarring, was it?
Speaker E
No, I was.Can you stop trying to finish
Speaker A
sentences?Finish your sentences.
Speaker E
No.Can you stop trying to eat my
Speaker A
sandwiches?Sandwiches?
Speaker E
No.
Speaker A
Oh, man.How annoying is that?
Oh, damn it, Vin.You're an annoying bastard.I know.I talk to myself.It's a sign of intelligence and insanity.
Now, if you've just watched that and thought to yourself, hang on, that might be me, stick with me for a moment because I want to give you a way out.The deeper reason as to why this happens is usually because you're uncomfortable with silence.You've trained yourself to fill the gap in every conversation.So when someone's thinking about what to say next, you just jump in with what you think they're going to say, and you're not listening anymore.Stop.
Learn to be more comfortable with the silence.So here's the fix, and it's two behaviors working side by side.Note these down.Behavior number one.When you feel that urge to jump in, don't wait until they've finished talking.Let them complete their thought on their own.They're a grown adult.They can do it.And even once they're finished, don't reply yet either.Hold space.
Sit in the silence for a full two seconds and count it out in your head.Don't say a single word.It's going to feel so strange at first, especially if you're someone who butts in all the time.But just do it anyway, because here's what's going to surprise you.When you hold space for someone like that, most of the time, they keep talking.
They'll tell you more about their day or what they're experiencing or what they're feeling.They'll go deeper than they were planning to, because the silence gave them permission to.Most people never get that much room in a conversation, so when they get it, they're going to use it.Behavior number two, if they don't go deeper on their own, and you want them to go deeper and you want to go Deeper together.Hold the same two second pause and this time ask five words.
Tell me more about that.And then go quiet again.Don't say anything.Shut up.Don't fill the space.
Let them fill it.Those are the two behaviors.Wait two seconds before they reply.And if you want them to go deeper because they didn't do it themselves, pause for a little bit longer.Then ask for the depth by asking them the five words I said before.
Do those two things consistently and the interrupting habit dies on its own.Habit number two, main character syndrome.For seven solid years between the ages of 21 and 28, I tried way too hard to be interesting and to make everything about me in every conversation.My weekend, my latest business, my gym routine, my relationship drama, my childhood trauma, my next big idea.Every topic became a doorway back into my own life.
And I know you've got someone like this in your life.We all do.It's super annoying.And if you don't know anyone, it means it's most likely you.Because in this day and age, Main character syndrome is the most common communication disease of on earth.But here's the tragedy.When you have Main character syndrome, it feels like you're the life of the party.You're the storyteller, you're the funny one, right?You're the person with the big opinions and the wild weekends.Meanwhile, your relationships are slowly deteriorating, one by one, and you don't even notice.
Because the people who love you the most, they're the ones who are likely to stay silent about it and not say anything.Because who wants to sit across from a friend and say, hey, man, you talk too much about yourself.It's really exhausting and I actually don't like you.Nobody wants to have that conversation because they don't want to hurt their friends.And then slowly and surely, they just start pulling away and they stop opening up around you because, well, you create no space for them to open up anyway.
But what I can tell you based on experience, is that in a few years, they begin to notice their friendships feeling hollow, their relationships feeling more cold, and they just don't understand why.And I want you to pause for a second, just a moment, and really ask yourself the hard question.Could this be me?Because outside of this video, almost nobody has the courage to tell you your partner doesn't want to hurt you.Your closest friend is worrying it's going to damage the friendship.
Your family will just put up with it.Which means the only person who could diagnose Main Character syndrome is me.And you right now.You've got to be really honest with yourself, whether this is you or it's someone you know.Let me tell you what I did to cure this.
One afternoon, I was reading a book by Dale Carnegie.It was his classic book, how to Win Friends and Influence People.And while I was reading the book, I did this, right?I did this.So I read it.I read this really powerful line.I closed it, and I went.
And to me, that's how I know I just read something epic.When I actually stop reading, close the book, and ponder on the very thing that I read.And this was the sentence that stopped me.The most interesting people in any room are the people most interested in everyone else.My entire life, I thought the path to being interesting was to be the best storyteller in the group.
To make sure my version of my weekend always sounded more wild than anybody else on the table.Every dinner was a competition, and I had to be the winner.That one line from the book changed the way I thought about this completely.Think about the last person you walked away from and thought, wow, that person's amazing.Nine times out of 10, they barely spoke about themselves.
They asked about your life, and they listened like they had all the time in the world.Weeks later, they could still recall the things you were talking about.The cure is a ratio for every story that you tell about yourself.Ask three questions to the person in front of you.Three for one.
Don't be the person that just keeps talking about themselves.I hope I've made that very, very clear.Be the person who asks the other people questions.A first question, then a second question, then a third question.If people leave a conversation feeling seen, feeling heard, and feeling understood, they'll remember you as more interesting than anyone else they've ever met.
Concludes with habit 1: sounding the same all the time. The speaker argues that voice should adapt to context, like playing different keys on an instrument, so you can communicate more authentically and effectively.
Speaker A
And this now leads me to the final bad speaking habit that you need to get rid of before it defines you.Bad habit number one is sounding the same your whole damn life.Yep.Sounding the same your whole damn life.Most people get stuck in a default way of communication, and they become attached to this one way of speaking because they think this is how I speak normally.So in order for me to be authentic, this is how I should speak for the rest of my life?No, no, no, no.Do you know what the problem with this is?If this is how I normally talk in every situation in my life right now, how do you think people would define me?What would they think of my personality?
Yeah, they'll think I'm pretty boring and disinterested.Right?Because the truth is, your voice Is is your personality.People perceive your personality through the way you use your voice.And if you use your voice in just one way, that version of you is the reputation people create for you.
I really want you to understand what I'm about to say here.There isn't just one version of you.You are a multi dimensional human being.There are infinite versions of you.You use your voice differently in different contexts, in front of different people and in different environments.
You're different in all of those different situations.For example, when I talk to you through a camera lens, this is how I need to communicate in order to effectively get my point across, to engage you on the other side of the screen.But when I stop recording and I go to have lunch with my team, I back off a little bit.I'm a little more playful and I talk in a much more light hearted way.And when I get home to play with my kids, you better bet your ass I get even more high pitched and really be playful with my voice because they love it when dad does this and dad gets so silly.They have a really good time.But then when I'm halfway through playing with my kids and I get a call from Peter all of a sudden, who's really upset now about how much I keep interrupting him, then I might go into a more serious tone.
And then when he starts crying, then I might be a little more apologetic and say, sorry, Peter, I didn't know you were so soft.Did you get the point that I'm trying to make here?I use my voice differently depending on the situation that I'm in and so should you.
And does that make us fake if we do this?No, it doesn't.I can tell you right now, most people never change the way they communicate because they're afraid of sounding fake and phony.But I'm going to share with you a metaphor now that's going to break this false belief and get you unstuck.Your voice is an instrument.It's like a piano with 88 keys.Imagine that, right?Most people spend their entire lives only playing with five keys on their piano.And they don't realize that.The goal is you've got to learn how to play with all 88 keys.
Learn how to play the whole damn instrument.To me, this is authenticity.Inauthenticity is when you're just playing like this.To me, this is inauthentic.Authenticity is when you're able to express, express your full self.
Because once you truly understand this, you're no longer going to feel trapped when you play those new keys, you don't start to think they're fake and phony.You just go, oh right, right, right, right right.I'm just really familiar with these five keys.These other keys I'm playing with over here and these other keys I'm playing with over here.They are just unfamiliar.
And the moment you think they're unfamiliar as opposed to fake and phony, now you've seen freed yourself to explore your whole darn instrument, the one you've been carrying your entire life, which allows you then to not be so attached to who you are in the present so you can give the future version of you a chance.And when you can learn how to use your voice in the most effective way in the right situations, you become truly influential.So tell me, which habits do you need to change and work on?Leave me a comment below and click this video if you want to dive deeper down the rabbit hole of mastering your communication skills.See you in the next video.